Stupid questions, hysterical indignation and a dearth of serious politics

‘Domo arigato, Mr Sunak-o!” See, this is why I could never serve as prime minister: the insane travel schedule (that and I’m committed to drive mother to aerobics twice a week). Rishi flew back from Japan and the G7 on Sunday and was up before the Commons on Monday – bright-eyed and bushy-tailed – to tell us that Britain is back!

We’re arming Ukraine. We’re “de-risking” our relationship with the Chinese.

And the Japanese want to invest £18billion here in the UK, providing a much-needed shot in the arm to our sex robot industry.

But though the UK is a major power, it refuses to be a serious one. The preceding Home Office questions were stupid enough to drive a jaded journalist to fantasies of ritual seppuku.

Again and again, the opposition asked Suella Braverman about her speeding ticket. Again and again, she said: “I sped, I regret it, I paid the fine.” The issue that you are evading, said Labour’s Singh Dhesi, is whether or not you asked a civil servant to help you arrange a private traffic course.

But who on Earth cares? I’d love to meet the sad sack who took it upon themselves to blow the whistle on their minister. Where will their tattling end?

“Foreign Secretary Forgot My Birthday, Says Senior Civil Servant”? “Chancellor Leaves Dirty Coffee Cups on Desk”? It’s a mark of decline and decadence that Westminster pretends to take such matters seriously, as if we haven’t got bigger fish to tempura.

Labour did its best to adopt a tone of hysterical indignation, and when Yvette Cooper told Braverman to “get a grip on her rule-breaking behaviour”, any foreign tourist watching from the gallery might have assumed that our Home Secretary goes joy-riding on cocaine. But with each rote denial from Suella – delivered in a “not bovvered” voice she’s pinched from Priti Patel – the faux scandal seemed smaller and sillier to the informed viewer, and diminishing to the MPS pretending to be upset about it.

I’ll give credit to Marion Fellows, SNP from Motherwell, who cleverly dug up the letter Braverman wrote when she last resigned, in which she said: “Pretending we haven’t made mistakes… is not serious politics.” But does the SNP really think it is in a position to lecture us about morality? About speeding, perhaps. It’s very hard to crack 30mph in a campervan. Taking to the Despatch Box, the PM revealed that he was the first British prime minister to go to Hiroshima – and there is a city, observed Keir Starmer, that shows one can rebuild from the ashes. I’d argue it also makes a pretty strong case for nuclear disarmament, but Sir Keir was never going to raise the noble cause of CND, for his rebrand of Labour is muscular and patriotic.

The leader of the opposition accused the Conservatives of letting down Britain by settling for a “managed decline”. It’s a surprise and a relief to hear that someone is managing it.