When you’ve had a charisma bypass, it doesn’t pay to overegg the gags
Sometimes I idly wonder how and what Sir Keir Starmer would perform on Stars in their Eyes. Summon his nasal vocalisation to your mind now: “Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be the Noble Gas, Argon’, Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Microsoft Excel, Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be gravel.”
Despite the Leader of the Opposition having a void where his charisma gland ought to be, still every week he announces a new version of himself at PMQS. Hard-on-crime Starmer, Monarchist Starmer, “Did I mention I was DPP?” Starmer (though that admittedly turns up a bit more often).
Tonight, Matthew, our boy was incredibly concerned about mass migration. The day before yesterday he was addressing “People’s Vote” rallies and urging Labour not to abandon free movement. So watching the LOTO set out his stall as an anti-immigration ultra was unconvincing casting; think Keanu Reeves in Dracula, or Florence Foster Jenkins warbling out the Queen of the Night aria.
“l’ll show you what uncontrolled immigration looks like,” began Starmer. “Vote Labour!” heckled Tory backbencher Paul Bristow.
Sir Lindsay Hoyle, having gone mad at Kemi Badenoch a couple of weeks ago, kept up his No More Mr Nice Guy approach. The Speaker’s normal public persona is that of an extra from former
ITV teatime favourite Heartbeat, however he decided to remove Bristow from the chamber for the frankly mainstream offence of behaving like a child in PMQS. It was the unexpected savagery of the event that drew gasps in the chamber; like watching the sweet old man from Up commit a murder. Bristow scurried away.
Starmer’s best gag fused runaway migration figures and Braverman’s recent fine: “Why does the Home Secretary have such a problem with points-based systems?” Even Braverman giggled at that. Off the hook for any investigation, she appeared demob-happy, abandoning her usual Thatcherite couture in favour of a pair of groovy purple flares. Shades of Saturday Night Fever.
The PM, meanwhile, looked out of spirits. Say what you like about G7 conferences, at least conversations there tend to serious matters; Ukraine, China, supply chains. Meanwhile, the clown land of Westminster can spend days debating whether the Foreign Secretary should fly Easyjet or if a speeding ticket constitutes a scandal. This being Starmer he couldn’t resist over-egging the pudding with car-related gags. “Speeding into the void left by the Prime Minister comes the Home Secretary,” he snapped, with a plan for Brits to become “fruit pickers”. This screamed snob and undermined Starmer’s point about reducing reliance on migration.
When it comes to fruit picking, Starmer’s position is presumably: “Let the hoi-polloi from abroad do it.”
Labour trying to steal a march on migration was mad enough. Still more bonkers was the fact that Tory ineptitude left them able to do so.