The Daily Telegraph
So long Suella, it’s time to shake things up. Have you met Dave?
If holding power adds years to you, regaining it after a forced retirement takes them back
After a weekend of hooliganism and hate speech, the PM finally decided to crack down on his home secretary – to sack Suella Braverman and build a Cabinet for the next generation by moving James Cleverly sideways and bringing back David Cameron.
It’s worked! Who’s talking about
Braverman now? For readers interested in history, Cameron was prime minister before Brexit – and has spent the years since promoting garden sheds. “I didn’t see that coming,” Sky’s Kay Burley howled with laughter as the elder statesman got out of his car and waddled up Downing Street, adding: “He’s put on weight.” People can be so cruel. Cameron’s struggle with pudding addiction was exposed by my predecessor, Damian Thompson, and he has written a moving memoir of life at the top as a custard addict. “A Bird’s Eye View” is available on Amazon.
Out of respect, Tory HQ tweeted a photo of Cameron from when he was much younger (taken, I think, at a wedding in 1996) along with “He’s back” and a fire emoji. Thus, we enter the “Bet Lynch makes surprise return to the Rovers” point in this Government, reviving old stars to boost poor ratings. For my money, Bet had more class.
HQ gave Richard Holden a thumbs up. James Cleverly, a flexing arm. No emoji exists for “Rishi Sunak has ruined my life”. The former foreign secretary goes from the easiest job in politics – “today I shall represent the UK at the Miss World final in Cancun” – to the worst. Filmed outside the
Home Office, a grey bunker from which two caretakers were removing a portrait of Enoch Powell, Cleverly said, through gritted teeth, that it will be an honour to serve. “And who does Cameron really serve,” asked angry backbenchers. “China?”
Dave’s reputation as a Sino-lobbyist is nonsense, I’m sure, but my broker did call me from prison to say today is an excellent day to invest in fortune cookies. In the Conservative Party, not so much. “Desperate,” said the reviewers; “a last throw of the dice” wrote TV Quick. The Tories seem to have abandoned GB News viewers in the Red Wall. My heart goes out to Suella. There’s a gap between her reputation as an arsonist and the gentle lady who the public never got to know. She is named, by the way, after Sue Ellen Ewing of the television soap Dallas. It’s true! Her mother was a fan.
We cut to Cameron, interviewed next to an enormous Union Jack, wearing a “yes, it’s me” smile. He was the best actor to inhabit the role of PM since
Blair. The hair is greyer, but if holding power adds years to you, regaining it after a forced retirement takes them back. He looked rejuvenated.
No wonder Therese Coffey was reportedly reluctant to resign from the Cabinet. She entered No10 around 10am and didn’t leave till about two and a half hours later, which is the length of time it takes to hacksaw one’s way through a pair of handcuffs chained to a Queen Anne desk.
She bade farewell to Larry the Cat, stopping to give him a stroke. Keep an eye on that ancient mouser. Ladbrokes has him at 4-1 to be the next home secretary.