Lord Sugar’s latest winner was worth the weight
Everyone who has watched The
Apprentice (BBC One) knows that there are three rules to the boardroom, particularly during the final. One: when addressing the big man, it is imperative to say “Lord Sugar” in every sentence. Two: you must laugh at Lord Sugar’s terrible jokes. And three, the most important: don’t argue with him. Ever.
Phil, purveyor of pies, had mastered the first two, even when Lord Sugar delivered what may be this show’s worst ever pun: describing his choice as being “pies vs pies-la-tes”, a tortured reference to Rachel’s business plan for a chain of gyms. But just when the £250,000 investment could have been his to lose – because did Lord Sugar really want to choose a gym chain two years in a row? – Phil blew it.
The experts, including the founder of Gail’s bakeries, had explained that Phil should invest in more shops rather than the online side of his business sending pies by post. Lord Sugar passed this on to Phil, saying that entrepreneurs should concentrate on the thing that will make them the most money. “I do really appreciate your perspective on that,” said Phil, “but for me there’s more to running a business than making profits.” Phil! Shut up!
Lord Sugar said that was a “dangerous” statement and “if you’re not in business to make money, you’re going to be no good to me”. “I take on board what you’re saying…” said Phil, at which point anyone who had been rooting for Phil will have wished they could burst into the boardroom and wrestle him to the ground.
With the contestants banished to the waiting area, Baroness Brady warned Lord Sugar: “He clearly has a good business, and his product is excellent. But you’re going to have to be convinced that he’s going to take your advice.” Even nice guy Tim Campbell expressed doubts that Phil would accept direction. And so it was that Rachel won the series, even though Lord Sugar conceded that “gyms are, with all due respect, two-a-penny. Specialist pies are not.”
To be fair to Rachel, she has been a strong performer, and had a clear business plan. Phil’s finances were shakier. As for the final task, involving pitching to industry experts: the branding and billboards were equally terrible, but aren’t they always?
It hasn’t been a vintage series, yet has pulled in nearly seven million viewers per episode and is a hit with 16-34-year-olds. Every new generation, it seems, delights in watching candidates plumb new depths of idiocy. Perhaps it’ll go on forever. Just get Lord Sugar a new joke writer.
‘I’ve got a pigeon in my bathtub,” says a caller to the So uth Essex Wildlife Hospital, “and I think it’s pregnant.” The call handler explains that pigeons don’t get pregnant, they lay eggs. A useful lesson for him, although it didn’t change the fact that the pigeon was still there, in his bathtub, hiding from the cat.
Animal programmes are ten-apenny on television but I was glued to
Wildlife Rescue (Channel 4). Partly, because the team running the hospital is so engaging. It’s led by founder Sue, who left the police force six years ago and initially looked after injured animals in her terraced home before realising she needed bigger premises.
Then there are the animals. The episode began with a fox on a building site in Grays, its head stuck in a plastic bottle. The poor thing was unable to eat or drink, the bottle cutting into its neck. As Sue pointed out – and this was the theme of the programme – most of the problems befalling these creatures are man-made, in this case someone discarding litter. Two intrepid volunteers managed to catch the fox and take him in, but the outlook wasn’t good.
Next, a swan with a fish hook caught in its elegant neck. “To catch a swan that doesn’t want to be caught is really, really difficult,” said team member Charlotte, before chasing it around the park. Removing the hook required surgery under anaesthetic, which is risky for swans due to the nature of their respiratory system. Finally, three orphaned seals being prepared for a return to the wild, except one of them – Gerald – had grown used to lounging around, waiting to be hand-fed.
The programme left me angry at the damage caused by careless humans, grateful for the hard work put in by the staff and volunteers, and rooting for the animals. The swan sadly didn’t make it through a second operation. The fox, against the odds, recovered and was taken back to its home. And the seals were released back into the sea, a hesitant Gerald lingering on the beach before following the other two into the water. “Isn’t that the best thing ever,” said Sue, a tear in her eye, and you couldn’t help but agree.
The Apprentice ★★★
Wildlife Rescue ★★★★