CHRISTMAS GIFTS
Resident expert Chris Dunlavy dishes out his festive presents...
THE mince pies are out, the brandy glass topped and the wonky carrot ready for Rudolph. Now all you need is a half-cut fat bloke in a daft costume to pile in.
But enough about dad’s return from the Dog & Duck – what will Santa bring this year? If you’re working in the EFL, here’s what to expect under the tree tomorrow.
PAUL HECKINGBOTTOM HANDCUFFS, 22 SETS.
No, the Barnsley gaffer isn’t a secret S&M nut – at least that we know of. The shackles in question are for his players.
This time last year, the Tykes were seventh in the Championship, unbeaten in four and set fair for a tilt at the play-offs. Then the big boys arrived with their cheque books.
Within 13 disastrous days in January, top scorer Sam Winnall, midfield talisman Conor Hourihane and left-back James Bree all cleared their lockers.
“Every time I turned around, someone else was gone,” deadpanned a less-than-impressed Hecky. Cue collapse, and a run of just two wins in 18 games.
Heckingbottom knows full well the Barnsley board can’t turn down big money – even after their recent takeover. Perhaps, then, a more rudimentary method of keeping his star players at Oakwell is required. Or super glue, or velcro. Anything to keep the ball at his feet. Preston’s Irish winger (not the bloke off Grange Hill and EastEnders) loves to get past a defender. Unfortunately, the ball doesn’t usually go with him.
In his 13 appearances for the Lilywhites, Maguire has been tackled on 44 occasions, or 3.4 times per match. In other words, he is to a Championship fullback what that tethered goat was to the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Because his current one must be knackered. Now 24 and playing at Fulham, the serial Chelsea loanee has been living out of it for the best part of SEVEN years.
Signed by the Blues at 16, the Czech defender’s first loan spell saw him return to hometown club Sigma Olomouc in 2010. Then came Vitesse Arnhem – essentially Chelsea’s own early years centre – followed by four separate stints at Koln and Middlesbrough.
Including the current spell at Fulham (his second), that’s eight loan moves and more jet-setting than your average airline pilot.
Will Kalas ever improve on his two games for Chelsea? Who knows, but at least the fella is well stocked for towels and miniature toiletries. The way the Devon outfit go through keepers, they must be running short. Presumably, Plymouth boss Derek Adams orders his stoppers to train on concrete, or perhaps hires Roberto Carlos to leather shots at them.
Whatever the case, on-loan Derby man Kelle Roos became the seventh different goalie to play for the Pilgrims this season when he made his debut against Gillingham a fortnight ago.
The Dutchman must be terrified. So far this term, Home Park has done for Luke McCormick (ankle), Kyle Letheren (thigh) and Robbert te Loeke (back). Even loanee Remi Matthews was sent back to Norwich damaged, leaving youngster Michael Cooper and Hull loanee Will Mannion as the only men – so far – to escape the curse.
CARLOS CARVALHAL ARTICULATE
Articulate is a board game in which the player must use florid descriptions to explain a fundamentally simple word.
Everyone else, meanwhile, sits around scratching their head and trying to guess what the hell he’s on about.
See where this is going? Well, suffice to say a man who can turn a ‘quick’ five-minute radio interview into a half-hour diatribe, or explain Sheffield Wednesday’s struggles with frenzied use of the word ‘dynamic’, would excel at Articulate.
The only trouble would be getting him to shut up and let someone else have a go. Cocoon is a sci-fi movie about aliens who come to earth and – by filling a swimming pool with magical ‘life-force’ – inadvertently allow the residents of a retirement home who swim there to reverse the ageing process.
Fantastical? Down at Meadow Lane, they probably think it’s a documentary. Strike duo Shola Ameobi and Jon Stead have a combined age of 70 and between them have racked up 36 seasons of professional football.
So, ahem, experienced are the pair that Mags midfielder Ryan Yates was just two when Ameobi made his Newcastle debut.
But has age wearied them? No, sir.
Only one player has eclipsed Stead’s tally of 23 appearances for table-topping County and, with 38 games between them, you have to wonder what Kevin Nolan has been putting in the ice bath.
ADAMA TRAORE ALARM CLOCK
Middlesbrough’s rocket-fuelled winger can go down the flank faster than Jonah Lomu in his pomp. When it comes to getting out of bed, though, he isn’t so lively. Back in October, the Spaniard pitched up at Rockcliffe so late the team bus had already departed for an away game at Barnsley. Gaffer Garry Monk dropped him from the matchday squad – and probably wished he’d stayed in bed the following week, too, as Traore stepped off the bench to concede a decisive penalty against Cardiff.
LUTON TOWN SCOREBOARD
You have to pity whoever updates the scores at Kenilworth Road. So frequently do the Hatters hit the net that the poor devil daren’t sneak off for a toilet break or a cup of Bovril.
And, as for the ageing electronics above the Oak Road End, a scoreboard hasn’t been this overworked since John Isner played Nicolas Mahut at Wimbledon tennis.
Luton’s quest to have every scoreline spelled out in brackets began on the opening day with an 8-2 demolition of Yeovil. Since then, the Hatters have slammed seven apiece past Stevenage and Cambridge, plus fours and fives all over the shop.
Incredibly, Luton have scored more goals at home (35) than all but a couple of League Two sides have managed in TOTAL.
NEIL ETHERIDGE A TARGET
For practice. The Cardiff keeper is no slouch with his hands. Indeed, no side in the Championship has conceded fewer goals than the Bluebirds.
But go downstairs and it’s fair to say poor old Etheridge is less Manuel Neuer, more Manuel from Fawlty Towers.
With a pass accuracy of 28.5 per cent – lowest in the division by a distance – the Enfield-born Filipino is more likely to find touch than a team-mate. Still, at least Cardiff are getting good value out of their ball boys.
SLAVISA JOKANOVIC OPEN UNIVERSITY COURSE: MODERN LANGUAGES
With his sinister, mumbling baritone, Fulham’s Serbian boss is hard enough to understand at the best of times.
So, imagine the trouble he has in a dressing room featuring more languages than the Eurovision Song Contest. Including home nations, Craven Cottage is home to an incredible 16 different nationalities. Some games feature players from nine different countries. Togo, Estonia, DR Congo. Oh, and don’t forget Iceland’s Ragnar Sigurdsson, currently on loan at Rubin Kazan. They say football is a universal language, but Fulham’s faltering performances this season suggest something is getting lost in translation. Perhaps Slav needs a crash course.