The Diary
Animal crackers
COLIN Chilton tells us about a student jumping on a packed Subway at Hillhead, but the doors closed on his backpack. The chap started banging on the doorwhile screaming: “You will not shut a door on me! I amnot an animal!”
Everyone in the carriagewas staring at him, a fewwere even chuckling, as you dowhen a student gets on his high horse.
Says Colin: “As he gets off, awee boy sitting with hismumgoes, ‘Mooo!’”
Boxing clever
BOXER Audley Harrison’s inept performance in his recent comeback fight, which he lost to David Price, reminds Gary Johnston of a classic gag by Scottish club comedian Hector Nicol. Says Gary: “Imagine the bold Hec, in his pugilist get-up, complete with black eye and cheap towelling robe, ‘Hey, ye remember Peter Keenan boxing? Well I’m his brother No so Keenan boxing!’”
Hector Nicol and Peter Keenan in the one story – that’s enough nostalgia for oneweek.
Date planner
WOMEN, it has to be admitted, can be a bit sharp-tounged about their contemporaries. AHyndland reader says he heard twowomen discussing amutual friendwho had apparently dated quite a fewchaps in recent years.
“Iwouldn’t say she takes a lot of men home,” said one. “But her bedroom is listed on TripAdvisor.”
Viva Espana
CELTIC’S valiant performance against Barcelona thisweek is still being discussed. Areader in a London pub heard one loudmouth declare: “You’ve got to feel sorry for those Celtic fans traveling home from Barcelona.
“Glasgow’s such a dump.”
Breaking the ice
OUR daft gag the other day prompts John Park in Motherwell to tell us: “The colder temperatures thisweek remind me of the depth of last year’s winterwhen a wife texted her husband atwork to tell him, ‘Windows frozen’.
“Knowingwhat to do with your car on a frosty morning, he texted back, ‘Pour some lukewarmwater over it.’
“Half an hour later she texted, ‘Computer completely knackered now.’”
Sick-note culture
SPELLING problems continued. Pat Reid in Falkirk tells us: “As a manager, I once received a sickness certificate note from an employee who had been off work for a couple of days with an upset stomach.
“After four abortive attempts to spell diarrhoea, all of which had been scored out, he had resorted with a flourish to theword ‘skitters.’”
It’s only rock-n’roll
PLANS are beingworked out for a world tour by the Rolling Stones, it has been announced.
Our rock’n’roll contact tells us: “They just need to iron out a few wrinkles.”
Wheely good idea
WEwonderedwhat the motto should be for the GlasgowCommonwealth Games, reflecting the robust views of the locals. David Bertin suggests for the newvelodrome in the east end, “On yer bike.”