IN PRAISE OF … FACING YOUR FACE. BY ROBERT MCNEIL

I THINK it fair to say that I won’t be setting fire to my face any time soon. Fair enough, it’s not a particularly fair face. But it’s mine, and I’ve got used to it these last 55 years. I could say I know it like the back of my hand but, oddly enough, I don’t know the back of my hand particularly well.

I witter in the wake of news that setting your coupon ablaze is the latest treatment offered to those pursuing eternally youthful looks.

Every morning I wake and thank Jehovah the Merciless that I wasn’t born a woman. For they feel obliged to remain young and beautiful, whereas men can age gracefully and even look distinguished.

Every week a new lotion or potion is proclaimed a miracle cure for sagging skin and wrinkles. Last week it was a cream “formulated by Nasa scientists” using black diamonds from ooter space. I see.

Now, from yonder Chinashire, comes Huo Liao, a fire facial upon which commentators have blown hot and cold. Under this treatment, alcohol-soaked therapists apply a special elixir to towels.

I’m sorry, I’ll read that again. Therapists apply alcohol-soaked towels containing a special elixir to the skin and then set fire to these. This could make a gal look hot.

While the treatment comes with standard issue mumbo-jumbo, one scientific explanation is that extreme heat triggers an adrenaline response which improves the body’s metabolism. Ah hae ma doots.

And as one expert put it: “While alcohol will help carry whatever is in the elixir into the body, it’s not really necessary to light it on fire.”

Elixir, my eye. I expect there are creams and such that help the skin. But, to save disappointment and indeed money, it’s probably best just to face up to your face as it is.