Set free the genie of independence

powers apart from administering custard pies to individuals judged to have brought politics into disrepute.

An Offpants spokesperson said: “We hope to avoid confusion by conducting the referendum along clearly recognisable pantomime rules and traditions. For instance, both sides will sing from the same sheet.”

Alex Salmond in his new Widow Twankey persona argues that with a rub of the magic oil lamp Scotland will be free. The genie of independence cannot be put back in the bottle. If necessary Widow Twankey will launder the Scottish pound. There is nothing wishee-washee about the Yes campaign’s fiscal promises. Nicola Sturgeon, resplendent in thigh-length leather boots, promises her principal task as a prince charming will be to end Scotland’s Cinderella role.

Alistair Darling says his involvement with the City of London while Chancellor makes him eminently qualified to steer Scotland to safe economic waters with the help of the ship’s cat. But he denies being a bit of a Dick (Whittington). Michael Moore, the LibDem Scottish Secretary, is pencilled in for a supporting role in Cinderella despite Coalition fears he may not be worth a button.

Johann Lamont is Sleeping Beauty. She promises Labour will put problems with spindle doctors behind it and waken from a deep sleep. If she can find a prince in the party ranks.

In a guest appearance from south of the Border, Sir George of Osborne will be the wicked sheriff in Robin Hood with the job of robbing the poor to feed the rich. Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson wants to be Snow White but lacks seven colleagues with high enough profile to be her dwarfs. So far, it’s only deputy leader Jackson Carlaw as Dopey. Tommy Sheridan plans a comeback as Jack the Lad up a beanstalk. Vince Cable reprises his time at Glasgow Corporation as the Ghost of Scotland Past. The Offpants spokesperson said: “It’s a shame Francie and Josie are no longer with us in these challenging times.”