Smartest computer in the world

live rabbit from behind the screen. A computer so alarmingly efficient that you want to hand your whole life over to it because, frankly, it will make a far better job of it than you are.

This computer is the height of cool, and the techie types are drooling over it.

To which the only response is: Ha, it may well have 1404 petabytes (don’t ask) of memory and a theoretical peak performance of 54.9 petaflops (ditto), but give it a few weeks and they’ll be in the same boat as the rest of us.

They’ll be ringing down to IT (as if that’s going to help: they’re away this week – back Monday), and then calling over the partitions in the office: “My screen’s just gone funny. Anyone know how you get back to the thing you had before?”

People say that technology has built-in obsolescence. What computers have are built-in adolescents. We all know those egg timer moments, or those swirly circle times as a page loads (and loads … and loads … loading ... loading). You can almost hear the computer saying: “What? Do that now? Nah mate. Cannae be bothered.”

The Chinese computer in question is called Tianhe-2, literally Milky Way 2.

Poor old Tianhe-1 is already rubbish. A dwarf star. Tianhe-1? Who would have one of those? It is the Amstrad of the supercomputer world.

What award would your own computer win? Most Post-It Notes Around a Single Screen?

Most Environmentally Dangerous Keyboard?

Most Clogged-up Memory on the Planet?

What is the betting that the Tianhae-2 receives one of those flashing “Win £100,000” pop-up boxes soon? And they won’t know how to delete it, and they’ll get irritated and click too many things and … crash! We’ve all been there.

Must go now. There is an unused mug of tea icon on my desk.