Lights, cameras, distraction

IT’S going to be difficult to choose the winner of our film-title contest, with its prize of a champagne dinner for two at Urban Bar and Brassier in Glasgow. Today’s entries: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doo: intrepid archaeologist stumbles on a strange cult of bird-worshippers in darkest Lanarkshire (Ken Johnson).

The Bird: the chilling story of a psychotic Glaswegian fiancée (Robert A. Livingstone).

The Remains of the Da: cannibalism in a Coatbridge family (John Samson).

All Quit on the Western Front: the order comes through for everyone to retreat (Hugh Clark).

A River Runs Through T: documentary about a typical day at T in the Park.

ELP!: documentary about the fabled prog-rock group (both Alastair Rigg).

Once Upon A Time In The Wet : slogan adopted by Fort William councillors to support plans for a covered town-centre area.

Jurassic Par: Jim Jefferies comes out of retirement as Dunfermline Athletic’s injury crisis deepens (both Frank Bendoris).

The Best Ears of Our Lives: Mr Spock Tribute Movie (Bill Jamieson).

Whisk Galore: set in a new kitchenequipment shop (George Crawford).

Miami Vic: Still Game star gets all-over tan on Florida’s South Beach (Gerry McCulloch).

Cueless: teleprompter meltdown at STV.

Get Carer: Sir Michael Caine’s dying words (both Mrs Freddie Dale). Contact The Diary on 0141 302 7055 or thediary@theherald.co.uk.