Mother tells how giving birth made her feel suicidal

KIM READER

Mother smiles with baby, but Kirsten was not really happy about her son.

And she added: “The only thing I remember about actually giving birth is the voices telling me the baby was going to be born dead because I didn’t love him and I didn’t want him.

“The midwife tried to put him on my chest for that skin-on-skin contact and I turned away and said to let my mum hold him. I couldn’t do it.

“When we got to the baby ward I remember him crying and crying and I just hated him. I feel so terrible to even say it now – it was so scary.

“I could see other mums holding their babies surrounded by cards and balloons.

“They were so happy and I was just alone. I felt no bond at all with my baby, I just felt horrendous.”

When mother and baby were allowed home, matters continued to deteriorate.

“It sounds weird but as much as I didn’t want him, the thought of him being taken from me was petrifying,” said Ms Hay. “I started to have these hallucinations and really vivid dreams about jumping off a cliff and I’d be holding Oscar.

“The worst one was I would jump off a bridge and then hold Oscar under the water.

“They felt so real that I was too frightened to sleep. I would set alarms for every 15 minutes just to stop myself from nodding