THE DIARY
Getting shirty
I KNOW, how good was that? Sunshine on a bank holiday. As reader John Mulholland tells us: “And so it begins. Summer weather in Glasgow. Two boys playing in Alexandra Park shouted over to their parents, ‘Mum, Dad, can we take our T-shirts off, we’re roasting!’ ‘No way,’ replied Dad, ‘nobody wants to see youse wae yer taps aff!’”
And a woman in London explains: “My husband had to text me during the week to ask how long he needed to microwave his dinner for to warm it up. Now the BBQ is out he has suddenly turned into Jamie Oliver!”
Big climb down
WE are going far down memory lane as a reader continues our best excuses for being late with the recollection: “I taught in the Gorbals many years ago and one little boy’s excuse for being late in the days of boxed-in beds in tenements was, ‘I couldnae sclim ower ma granny’.”
In same boat
THE Herald archive picture of the Hogganfield Loch park attendant in a patrol-boat on the Glasgow loch reminds an old trade union official of the disputes panel the STUC held to solve problems between competing unions. One complaint came from the Boilermakers Union about a park employee at Hogganfield. At the time every park employee in Glasgow was a member of the General and Municipal Union but the Boilermakers wanted one employee to transfer over as he fixed the rowing boats on the loch – and all repair workers in the Clyde shipyards were in their union. Fortunately the STUC sorted it out as picket lines stopping weans getting on the boats would not have gone down well.
Crunch time
RAISING teenagers, continued. A Bishopbriggs reader says he can’t work out whether his son is a genius or an idiot after the lad came into the lounge munching noisily on a snack and picking up the TV control to fiddle about with the sound level which he couldn’t get to his satisfaction before announcing, ‘Every TV should have a volume setting called ‘Eating Crisps’.”
Hooked
WE did end our false teeth stories but Tony Martin in Vanuatu reminds us of a classic which deserves a repeat. Says Tony: “When cod angling in the Firth of Clyde was booming, a group of lads went out in a boat on a blustery day. One of the guys wasn’t a particularly good sailor and was soon losing his breakfast complete with his falsies over the side. One of his mates had the clever wheeze of taking out his own falsies, hooking them into the mouth of a cod he had just caught, and shouting that he had caught the fish that got his mate’s teeth. His pal removes the falsies, and says ‘No, these are not mine’ and promptly threw them overboard. Hence two gumsy anglers coming off the boat that day.”
Missing in action
WE have never had anything but excellent service from staff when we have visited, so we are conflicted when a reader emails The Diary: “My student son is playing the world’s biggest game of hide and seek – he’s got a job as a member of staff at B&Q.”
Luke here
A GLASGOW reader watching a bit of telly yesterday morning on his bank holiday and saw his first episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show. He phones to make the observation: “If Jeremy Kyle had made Star Wars, we would have known who Luke’s father was a lot sooner.”
Takes all sorts
WE end the bank holiday daftness with comedy writer and actor Sanjeev Kohli, who says: “I bought 10 boxes of Liquorice Allsorts and left them in the sun. I am re-marketing them as Icarus Allsorts.”