THE DIARY
Shaken
OUR tales of unpretentious Glasgow shops remind Hilary Shearer: “We returned to Glasgow from living in the Netherlands and, wishing to continue with our new-found sophistication, decided to add some kirsch to a cheese fondue one evening – it was the 1970s after all. Husband duly set forth to acquire kirsch at the nearest off-licence, only to have the wee wifie behind the counter peer up at him and enquire, ‘Who dae you think you are, James Bond?’”
Sheepish
WE mentioned poet Hugh Mcmillan, author of The Conversation of Sheep, failing at a Young Famers’ quiz night because of his then-lack of knowledge of sheep. A reader in Milngavie tells us of a new teacher in Lochmaben, Dumfriesshire, who attempted to draw a sheep on the blackboard for her class of seven-year-olds. “Well boys and girls, this is an easy one – what to you think that is?” She was shocked that no one answered, so she cajoled one of them: “Come on now, Angus, what is it?”
Eventually Angus replied: “Well, Miss, um, is it a cross between a Cheviot and a Blackface?”
Driven mad
GETTING a bit stressed at this time of year? As one reader puts it: “Drunk, Stupid or Old? is the game the driver in front of me doesn’t know we’re playing.”
Sickening
THE story of Glasgow buses breaking down reminds a few readers that when a Corpy bus refused to go, the driver would remove the seat from the back bench and rest it at an angle on the rear of the bus which presumably was the international sign to tell folk a bus was knackered, even though it doesn’t appear to have been used in any Highway Code. Reader Ronnie Mclean recalls, as a student bus conductor in the 1960s, telling a relative that he had been on a “sick bus” which had to go back to the depot. He then had to explain that it wasn’t the bus that was sick but that a punter had thrown up and it needed a liberal application of sawdust before the shift was resumed.
Sleighed them
A BEARSDEN reader tells us he got into trouble from his daughter for telling his grandchildren to enjoy their last visit from Santa this year, as after Brexit Santa would no longer be allowed in the country automatically.
Feeling gay
A HERALD story about heckling reminded Janice Taylor of her favourite, which was a female stand-up at the Edinburgh Festival some years ago who was getting grief from a drunk in the audience who eventually shouted out: “Are you a lesbian?” Says Janice: “She looked him up and down for a bit before replying, ‘Are you the alternative?’”
Taking it personally
NOT everyone likes to describe themselves as a “housewife” as it doesn’t really cover all the work they have to do. A Clarkston reader says she bumped into an old pal she hadn’t seen for years and asked what she was doing. She replied: “P.A. to my three children.”
Egged on
CHRIS Pinckney declares: “My wife is out, and I’m making breakfast for the kids and can’t seem to find anything. I’m almost embarrassed to text her to find out where we keep the kitchen.”