Don’t panic… here are 100 ways to survive 2020
LET weeds flourish: they will anyway. Count butterflies. Give a pint of blood. Visit a gallery at least once a month. It’s cheaper than going into TK Maxx. Write a letter to a friend with whom you’ve lost touch. Imagine how cheered you will be if you get a reply.
Read the great diarists. Feed a carrot to a horse. Plant a tree. Or perhaps not if you live in a flat. Youtube has the answer to everything. Finish Joyce’s Ulysses. If nothing else it will make you feel intellectually superior. Read newspaper obituaries happy in the knowledge that you’ve outlived their subjects.
Leave your car at home once a week. All humankind is to be found on the bus. Tweet less or, preferably, not at all. Visit the seaside, build a sandcastle, dip a toe in the water, remove it before it goes numb, buy a poke of chips. Look no further than Anstruther. Walk the length of Argyle
Street. How better to achieve your 10,000 steps? Throw your bucket list in the bucket.
Lentil soup. Two of the best words in the dictionary. Eschew establishments offering soups containing chilli or other such abominations. Run only when you’re sure it won’t leave you panting for breath. Always thank bus drivers.
On the eve of WW1 Franz Kafka went for a swim. He had the right attitude. Do something for yourself for a change – have you seen how much plumbers charge? Declutter your wardrobe. If you can find nothing that’s past its wear-by date you need to give yourself a serious talking to. Put 50p in a piggy bank every time you utter the word Brexit.
Bored? Beleaguered? Discombobulated? Go to Paris. It’s okay to like country music. Could you really love someone who didn’t love Johnny Cash?
Ditch the 4×4: you know it’s the right thing to do. Lift thine eyes – and feet – to the hills: use them or lose them! The same goes for libraries, swimming pools, post offices, bank branches and butchers, bakers and candlestick makers.
Think again before advertising on Airbnb. Read a poem a day. Cease sighing. Cease tutting. Or being so fussy. Intolerance is the byword of the age.
Walk the West Highland Way. Transfer your allegiance to a team that might actually win something – sorry Hearts! You’re never too old to learn to play a musical instrument. Start with the Jew’s-harp. Write a novel – everyone else is.
Headphones. Use sparingly. Of all the things David Attenborough has deemed threatened no mention has been made of the short story. Unforgivable.
Rain is not “bad weather” so stop referring to it as such. We need it. Look at Australia.
Adopt an optimistic anthem: eg Give Me Sunshine. Study history. It’s the future.
Stick a pin in a map and promise to go to wherever it points. Oh no, it’s Ibiza! Avoid daytime TV.
Invest in a DIY manual and count the pounds you’ll save. Alexa may be a know-all but she’s not always right. Tell her to haud her wheesht. “May your hands always be busy, may your feet always be swift .... May you stay forever young.” (Bob Dylan)
Always buy the cheapest brand of gin and the most expensive brand of tonic.
If you want to see clearly clean your windows.
Centenarians often say they’ve lived to a ripe age because they have a dram before going to bed. Who would gainsay that?
Keep a diary because – as Mae West said – one day it will keep you. Listen to a foreign
radio station. It will impress visitors.
A tower of toilet rolls does not make an attractive window display. Corner shop owners please note. Life may be too short to peel grapes but the same doesn’t apply to bananas. Say sorry more often. Don’t say sorry if you don’t mean it. Don’t scream at the radio whenever someone says something with which you don’t agree.
They can’t hear you.
Reduce your air miles by acquiring an atlas, a no-hassle form of travel. Be kind to politicians: not at all of them are numpties. Stop calling people numpties, tumshies, teuchters and bampots – it’s not nice. Bite your tongue. The pain you suffer will be less than the pain you cause. Use recyclable coffee cups.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” (Sam Beckett)
Read a section of a newspaper you usually skip. Don’t buy any new clothes – underwear apart – except from charity shops. Learn to bake. Plant leeks or strawberries. Choose garden plants that wildlife will love even more than you do.
Treat your appetite like a three-year-old and divert its attention. Learn a new language. Holiday in Scotia. Switch off when the weather forecast comes on.
Attend at least one live concert or gig.
Give the theatre another chance. Make a list of books you’ve always wanted to read, and get cracking. Cast aside any novel you’re not enjoying after 50 pages. Say yes to as many social invitations as possible. Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do apart from parties.
Get through a day without saying anything critical. Get through a day without having a critical thought. Stop interrupting. Read a history of Scotland. Memorise the dates of the Stuart dynasty. Compile your family tree.
Clear out your cupboards and drawers. Put on an extra jersey for at least an hour before switching on the heating. Invest in fingerless gloves. And a down-filled gillet. Listen to music instead of the news. Eat vegetarian once a week.
Turn off the Satnav. Don’t worry about getting older, it’s great you’re still here. Sit on a park bench and talk to whoever joins you.try yoga again. Or knitting. Listening to the birds.
Buy a shampoo bar and learn to live without lather. Exile your phone for a weekend. Disable all tracking devices except for teenagers out on the town. On gloomy days wear bright colours.
Read The Herald. It’s like breakfast. No day should start without it.
Leave your car at home once a week. All humankind is to be found on the bus