So, are you weird enough to get ahead in the new Britain?
WHITHER the British Civil Service? You shrug and say: “Whae cares, ken?” That is a good point, well made. But think about it. The Civil Service is an established part of, er, the Establishment, as is the BBC, which is also under attack by the new Tory Government. Like the BBC, it’s a British institution once lauded for its professionalism and objectivity but now suspected of being flaky.
Free market types resent the jobs for life and cushy pensions. As someone in favour of both, and indeed of most things that are at “the taxpayer’s expense”, I’ve defended the Civil Service in the past. But I can do so no longer, partly because I believe the quality of its staff has plummeted and partly because I’m currently filling out my tax return. In sunnier times, before climate change, entrants to the Civil Service would often be classics graduates – my kind of guys; that is to say, useless.
There were sensible exams to sit and straightforward interviews in which to demonstrate one’s charm. Then you were in. Today, graduates in gender studies are invited to sit psychometric tests designed by nutters and passed only by people who should be receiving treatment in benign institutions.
Thus, today’s Civil Service is full of folk whose main skills are speaking jargon and claiming that they’re Napoleon. They’re not even Josephines of all trades, as happened in the past. They are simply masters of nothing.
It is perhaps, then, no surprise that Downing Street is planning “seismic” changes. For example, mandarins will be made to sit periodic exams to ensure that they’re keeping up. They’ll no longer be moved frequently from department to department either, but will have to become quite good in one particular area.
For the awful truth is that our new political masters are insisting on – look away now if you’re of a sensitive dispostion – competence. This is a massive threat to the British way of life.
The impetus for this subversion is said to come from Dominic Cummings, the Prime Minister’s senior adviser, who believes a permanent Civil Service is “an idea for the history books”, and that it promotes people “who focus on being important, not on getting important things done”.
Rachel Wolf, co-author of the Tories’ election manifesto, wrote in
The Daily Telegraph this week that the revamped Civil Service will answer to yonder public instead of to “stakeholders” and will run “the most dynamic state in the world”. Whether this includes Scotland is a moot point. Our confused constitutional position is mirrored in the Civil Service here, which is divided into a London-answerable Scotland Office staffed by unionist spies and an Edinburgh-answerable Scottish Government bureaucracy staffed by politically correct, psychometrically tested nutters.
Back in Downing Street, meanwhile, Mr Cummings has advertised for “weirdos” and “misfits” to work for him. They’ll be left-field in a right-wing government. They won’t be “Oxbridge humanities graduates”.
It’s all very unsettling, or invigorating if you will, and would make for an interesting job interview. Readers experienced in these will have learned quickly that honesty is not the best policy. Alas, a slow learner, it took me ages to realise that I was doing myself no favours in telling potential employers truthfully that I was unreliable, didn’t respect authority, and detested working as part of a team almost as much as I hated using my individual initiative.
So, what do you do if you roll up at Number Ten with your Scotvec certificate in Hospitality and Hairdressing under your arm, and Dominic asks: “So, are you a weirdo?” Well, perhaps you could adapt the words of Sir Humphrey Appleby from television’s Yes, Minister: “As far as I can see, looking at it by and large, taking one thing with another, in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, I cannot confirm one way or another at this present juncture that I am, or indeed am not, a nutter.”
On second thoughts, it might be best just to say “Yes, Prime Minister’s senior adviser”, and leave it at that.