THE DIARY
Famously dull
THE question the Diary is most often asked is how do celebrities spend their free time. To answer that, we’ve built up a complex spy network. Our paid informants travel the country, peeking over celebs’ hedges, swimming celebs’ moats, clambering celebs’ turrets and being chased round celebs’ grounds by the pet jungle cats owned by the rich and racy.
Sometimes the Diary thinks it really shouldn’t bother. Especially when celebs insist on being more bam than glam. Comedian Johnny Mac is no bam, though he is doggedly downbeat when it comes to lifestyle choices. Describing a recent outing, he says: “What better way to spend a rainy afternoon than doing laps round Costco, eating the free samples and buying stuff I don’t need.”
We just hope he took his pet jungle cat along for the celebrity-lite saunter round those shopping aisles…
Cap that
THE Diary’s favourite selfdeprecating pop star is Bathgate’s Lewis Capaldi. (Actually he’s the only self-deprecating pop star we’re aware of. The rest are as humble as a tweet from Donald Trump.) Being such an unassuming and witty fella has helped Lewis build up a huge fan base. Though his most ardent admirer has to be comedian Fern Brady, who was so delighted with Lewis for winning two awards at the Brits that she’s now demanding Scotland commemorate the historic victory in a style truly befitting an all-conquering hero.
“Bathgate Gala Day should be renamed Bathgate Capal Day,” she says, adding: “All other local Gala Days to follow suit.”
Cat-astrophe
OUR flirtation with French jokes has been providing some ooh-lalaughs for reader Barrie Crawford. As a retired French teacher, he also knows a few Gallic giggles. “There were three French kittens, Un, Deux and Trois, out in a boat in the lake,” he reveals. “Unfortunately the boat developed a leak, so un deux trois cat sank.”
Bridging the gap
WE’VE been attempting to come up with a suitable name for the proposed bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland. Malcolm Buchanan from Auckland tells us his city’s harbour bridge capacity was increased with clip-on sections on either side. The work was completed by a Japanese company, hence it was dubbed the Nippon Clipon.
Rocky definition
FUMBLED phrases continued. Kenny Hardie from Stewarton tells us that a friend once described a dilemma as being: “Caught between a rock and the deep blue sea.” Quite frankly, we’d choose the deep blue sea every time.
Page rage
BROWSING in his local book shop, reader Charles Clifford decided to purchase a dictionary. But when he got home he realised all the pages were blank. “I really have no words for how angry I felt,” says Charles. Contact The Diary on 07375 137824 or thediary@theherald.co.uk.