THE DIARY
Sugar boost
THE Diary has a long and proud tradition of wagging a censorious finger at the wicked ways of our political overlords. Though on occasion we stumble across a politician behaving in an almost tolerable fashion. The last time we recorded such an event was February 23, 1854. The published article is now a rare collectable, much sought after by antiquarians, and known to sell at auction for eye-watering sums.
All of which makes this a truly auspicious day, as we report that Shadow Housing Minister for Labour, Pauline Mcneill, has saved three lives.
Full disclosure. The lives belonged to three dying bumblebees. Though we still salute the heroic act.
The MSP reanimated the fastfading fuzzy buzzers by feeding them sugary water from a spoon.
Does this mean Pauline will bag extra insect votes from grateful creepy-crawly constituents during the next election? Watch this space…
Name game
THOUGHT for the day from Calum Milne: “Did the bloke who invented the umbrella want to call it the brella, but then he paused for thought?”
Grubbing for glory
WE continue highlighting oxymoronic phrases. (With the emphasis on moronic.) In Aberdeen there was once a councillor who called the student magazine “pure filth”, recalls Gordon Casely.
Which surely proves why a university education remains a much-prized commodity, even in these most philistine of times. For where else can a keen young mind learn to produce filth that’s somehow pure? A scientific marvel of the mucky kind.
Torpidly triumphant
ATTEMPTING to discover who was the laziest person ever, we assumed we’d found a winner when a reader suggested the languid lazybones who came up with the name Loch Lochy. (Yes, such a waterhole does exist.)
Now we’re not so sure. For Elizabeth Williams from Dundee informs us of a Loch called Loch Loch. Presumably named by a person so soporifically supine that, in comparison, a cat sprawled in a sunbeam would look like Usain Bolt in full flight.
Ram raiders
“IF you see a robbery in an Apple store are you an iwitness?” enquires reader Ralph Morrison.
More Messi Madness
WE recently reported that Lionel Messi may continue his career in Scotland. Curiously no rival news outlets have followed up on our scoop, with many still insisting he’s Manchester City-bound. Also falling for this fake news is Kevin Bridges. Though the Glasgow comedian claims Messi’s price for living in dreary old Manchester is outrageously high. He’s demanding Oasis get back together.
Birdbrained badinage
“BEFORE the crow bar was invented, most crows drank at home,” explains reader Marc Moore.