Time to transform how we support childhood grief

MY own experience of childhood grief is my driving force and passion to improve the way we support children who have suffered the loss of a loved one.

I was 14 when my mum died. I’ll never forget that sinking feeling which overcame me as a nurse sat me down and told me she wouldn’t make it through the night. I kept pinching myself, trying to wake up as if it was all just a bad dream, I couldn’t believe it was really happening. My mum was the most vibrant person I’ve ever known. It was impossible to be around her without being completely enamoured by her energy. Her laughter was contagious. She could talk for Scotland and still never run out of things to say. When she died, it felt like every fibre of my being had been ripped apart and there was no one to put me back together.

I isolated myself from people because I didn’t know how to communicate what I was going through. I focused on getting into university so I could move away from where I grew up and I’d never have to walk past a place that reminded me of her again. I blocked out all our memories because it was too painful to relive what I once had. Everyone thought I was so strong for just “getting on and dealing with it”, but I wasn’t dealing with it – I was running from it.

I thought I was broken beyond repair and that I’d never know happiness again. I didn’t realise the anger, sadness and hopelessness I felt were symptoms of grief because I convinced myself that if I didn’t process it, it wouldn’t affect me.

Eight years later, I am now channelling my experiences of grief into leading the National Childhood Bereavement Project. We are working to improve support for infants, children and young people across Scotland who like me, have been bereaved, giving them the ability to design the solutions they feel they need to support them when they need it the most – a powerful tool to create transformational change.

For too long death has been treated as an “adult” issue and young people have been sheltered from the conversation. But it affects us all, no matter our age. It’s time that we normalised the experience of being young and being bereaved. This project is the opportunity to do that, so that all grieving children and young people have a voice to make a difference.

Over the coming months, I want to hear directly from those who have an experience of childhood bereavement – making sure they are at the core of our recommendations to the Scottish Government and central to the design of future bereavement support.

We want to hear as many different voices as possible so anyone who wants to get involved with the project please get in touch at bereavement@includem. co.uk.

„ Denisha Killoh is the Project Lead for the National Childhood Bereavement Project – funded by the Scottish Government and delivered by Scotland’s children, young people and families charity, includem.

For too long death has been treated as an ‘adult’ issue