Blackford has a beef with Johnson trade deal with a land Down Under

THE intestines of sheep came up, as they are wont to do, in the House of Commons yesterday. They were part of a meal being made by SNP MPS at Prime Minister’s Questions about the Australia trade deal.

Boris Johnson, the PM under advisement, became quite exasperated by it all, wishing that everyone would just get behind him and that the good people of Scotland would elect representatives happier to bat for England, er Britain, and stop moaning and complaining all the time.

The SNP’S Westminster leader, Ian Blackford, who looks like he’s eaten several vast herds of cattle in his time, or even just in the last week, tucked into his starter with an accusation that the Tory Government had thrown Scottish farmers and crofters “under their Brexit bus”.

Ever the optimist, he hoped they would not now be treated to the PM’S “usual waffle”.

Ha-ha. Some hope.

Boris said the arrangement was “a great deal for Sco’land”, adding that it was absolutely tragic how the Nats had no confidence in Scottish farmers taking advantage of the export opportunities opened up.

Mr B blasted back: “My goodness, I don’t believe that even the Prime Minister can believe that tripe.” He can, you know.

Indeed, the PM showed himself an expert on ovine innards, saying: “He talks about tripe. Well, I can tell him that, when it comes to exporting the intestines of sheep, which I know is a valuable part of Scottish tradition, even that is now being opened up around the world, thanks to the deals that this country is doing.”

Mr Johnson added that, if the SNP man really wanted to hand back control of farming and fishing to Brussels, then he was “frankly out of his mind”. Backbenchers looked about them.

Was there a psychiatrist on the premises? Probably not: too heavy a workload.

Next to fly over the cuckoo’s nest was Marion Fellows (SNP), a wee wumman in an electric blue dress, who asked if the PM thought he knew better than the president of NFU Scotland.

Boris knew better than to get drawn into that kind of square go.

Instead, he called for Scots to elect a different sort of representative, one who shouts ra-ra rather than ya-boo at Westminster.

“What they need is a different type of MP, who can champion them, who can get behind them, who actually believes in Scotland.”

Oh look, here was one now. Alas, Owen Thompson (SNP), another chap who looks like he has a strong and abiding interest in culinary matters, also criticised the “shoddy trade deal”, as did Kirsten Oswald, the SNP’S deputy Westminster leader, who focused on animal welfare standards.

This was the last straw for Boris, who sighed: “I really think that these constant attacks on Australia and their animal welfare standards would be very, very much resented by the people of Australia.” Never mind, Australia is a long way away. As is Oban, at least from Hamilton.

Oddly enough, this was a point raised by Margaret Ferrier, the former Nat turned Independent, who may be remembered by readers as the lass who took the Covid with her on the train all the way from London to Glasgow. Thought she might have avoided transport issues.

Her complaint concerned a constituent having to travel 100 miles from H to O to sit his driving theory test. Boris mumbled something about looking into it.

No mumbling from veteran ranter Kenny Macaskill (Alba), who hitched up his trouser waistband and bawled about the need to separate the roles of Scottish Government legal adviser and chief prosecutor, currently both within the purlieu of the Lord Advocate.

Boris clearly had no idea what Kenny was on about, and so said: “I congratulate the honourable gentleman on the outstanding success of his party in the recent elections.”

This was a reference to Alba winning no seats for Holyrood. But Boris won no laughter for the quip, because no one on the Tory backbenches knew anything about Alba.

Or, indeed, Scotland.

Another Alba MP, Neale Hanvey, managed to stick his oar in during questions to the PM on the recent G7 summit, when he referred to “Del Boy Britain” and received the usual rebuke about “running down the UK’S efforts”.

Yes. That was Sir Keir Starmer’s job. The Labour opposition leader accused the PM of helping the spread of the Delta variant of Covid by keeping the border open.

“Is he really suggesting,” said Sir K, “that the 20,000 people coming from India were bringing in vital medical supplies or food?”

Boris replied with his usual quip about Labour rewriting recent history. Or as he put it: “I think that Captain Hindsight needs to adjust his retroscope.”

Keir: “Why should anyone believe the Prime Minister?”

Boris: “Why should anyone believe the leader of the opposition?”

Na na-na na-na-na. It only remained for both of them to put their thumbs on their noses and waggle their fingers derisively at each other.

Boris won no laughter for the quip because no one on the Tory benches knew anything about Alba. Or Scotland