THE DIARY
Fall of man
A TALE of whoops, woe and wit from reader Mungo Henning, who spotted an elderly chap in a Glasgow shop carrying a large number of purchases.
Unfortunately the poor fellow tripped on his way out the door, resulting in a painful, sprawling fall. Luckily a young police officer also happened to be leaving the shop, and rushed to the old fellow’s aid.
As the prone pensioner piteously moaned in agony, the policeman was keen to discover the extent of his injuries. “Can I get you an ambulance?” he asked. With dead-pan stoicism of the Glesga brand, the old man replied: “Ah widney hiv oany where tae keep it son.”
School’s out
YOUTHFUL Swedish activist Greta Thunberg has scandalised Scotland by suggesting our noble country may not be a world leader when it comes to climate change. Clearly it’s time for decisive action, meaning Patrick Harvie should invite Greta to inspect the prize-winning marrows in his allotment. That would change her mind.
Meanwhile, TALKRADIO presenter Julia Hartley-brewer gallops to the defence of our beleaguered nation, stating: “I don’t regard Greta Thunberg as a world leader on any topic except truanting.”
Ouch.
Beatling around
THE Diary is guessing which tune enticed light-footed politician Michael Gove on to the dancefloor in an Aberdeen nightclub. Eva Beveridge suggests it was a song celebrating Groovy Gove’s two attempts to become Tory leader, when he came third… twice. “It must have been that classic Beatles song,” says our reader. “I’m A Loser.”
Rum goings-on
A TALE of health care and hostelries. Christopher Ide from East Renfrewshire tells us of a registered medical practitioner who strolls into a bar and asks for a daiquiri cocktail. The barman mixes the ingredients and sprinkles grated hickory into the drink. Handing it over, he says: “Here’s your hickory daiquiri, doc.”
The bog standard
THE Diary is updating children’s fiction to placate Woke idealogues. Lisa Allen is tired of Mary Poppins being portrayed in such a stereotypical female fashion as a nanny.
“She should be rewritten as a plumber,” says our reader. “And she gets great satisfaction from ramming her magic umbrella down U-bends to unblock toilets.”
Talk, talk
WE continue trying to figure out how our readers can become immortal. Reader David Reading suggests anyone interested in the life eternal should visit the Scottish Parliament to listen to the speeches. “You may not live for ever,” says David. “Though it’ll sure feel like it.”
Snow joke
“I THREW a surprise housewarming party for my Inuit chum,” says reader Colin Young. “Now he’s homeless.”