I do my bit. I keep Prince Andrew in the attic

LET me make this very clear. As your monarch I can’t really speak to you. But what I can do is let you eavesdrop on my conversation, such as the one I’m now having with myself, which is the tactic I often use to convey my thoughts to my subjects.

I was listened in on again this week when speaking to my chum the Duchess of Cornwall about the climate change crisis. We were talking about COP26 in Glasgow and wondering if it will be a success. Well, as a betting woman, I can tell that’s as likely as Andrew meeting up with Gloria Steinem for coffee.

Little Greta’s right, isn’t she?

The politicians play the same old record. It’s a bit like Adele’s new one actually. Six years it took her as well.

But then Adele does look lovely now that she’s lost seven stones, although I shouldn’t say that, should I? Do you think they’ll cancel me?

But really, we all have to do our bit for the environment, don’t we? I’ve long been irritated by people who don’t do anything at all. You know, there are people who can afford to live in mansions and castles who simply exhale hot air.

As for oneself, I’ve introduced environmentally friendly initiatives at the palace. We keep Andrew up in the attic, which reduces toxicity. And I’ve always been one to turn the lights off. Of course, between them, Charles and Diana almost managed that for good.

It will most likely look like a ‘midden’, as you would say, with your refuse people on strike

But speaking of Jughead, did you hear he runs his car on cheese and wine? God knows, he has enough fuel, what with the soirees he and Camilla get through.

But I wonder; perhaps those who’ve lost Universal Credit should consider having their cars fitted with such converters, and save a few shillings?

Thankfully, William is more switched on. Yes, he loves his private plane flights.

But he’s a lovely boy. Wish his brother had some of his brains.

And I loved what William said about all that wasted money going into pointless space. Now, you could say that’s been the case with the Civil List for years.

But he’s right, you know. Large, frighteningly expensive penis shapes being allowed to fly off willy nilly should be banned. Sorry, I’m talking about Andrew again. Anyway, Cressida says “Move on, there’s nothing to see here!” So that’s the end of it. Perhaps.

And yes, thank you for asking, I’m so looking forward to coming back to Glasgow.

It will most likely look like a “midden”, as you would say, with your refuse people on strike. At least I have my own train, so I won’t have to worry about the drivers’ strike.

To be honest. I’m really looking forward to COP26, to see the Australian Prime Minister.

And Nicola, of course. Which is lovely because the Prime Minister can explain his commitment to coal mining and Nicola can tells us how she and her conscience cope with Cambo.

All in all, one will at least have a laugh.

providers, because we are left with no alternative but to go to a big company, whose only interests are purely financial at a cost to the individual customer.

Keith A Cooper, Castle Douglas.