Mystery miss

WHEN woke mobs started ripping statues from their plinths, the Diary wondered what could replace them, and truly there was only one possible answer. New statues… of Lorraine Kelly.

Better yet, Lorraine’s wise and noble features could be carved into the side of Ben Nevis, much as the faces of several American Presidents are immortalised on Mount Rushmore.

She truly is the pinnacle of human perfection. Yet Boris Johnson doesn’t agree, for when asked about the Scottish broadcaster during a TV interview, the PM scandalously muttered: “Who’s Lorraine?”

Over on GB News, one admittedly excitable presenter is suitably outraged, with anchorman Dan Wootton saying: “Everyone knows Lorraine. She’s like Madonna.” At which point the Diary gets itself into its own spot of bother, by muttering: “Who’s Madonna?”

Art attack

ON a train into Glasgow city centre, reader Stephen Barr glanced out the window and spotted what he can only describe as an example of selfloathing graffiti. Scrawled on a wall were the words “F*** street art”. Says Stephen: “That’s as illogical as Leonardo da Vinci scribbling on one of his canvases “Ambiguously smirking brunettes give me the boak’.”

Tattie-tastic?

FED up with footy, gleekit-eyed when it comes to golf, the Diary is keen to find a thrilling new sport to follow. Which is why we’re delighted to learn that the World Tattie Scone Championships is staged this Saturday at Nairn Community & Arts Centre.

No expenses have been spared, for competitors will each be provided with mashed potato and their very own spatula.

Alas, the Diary is grievously disappointed to learn that for their special ingredient, those same competitors are banned from adding a dash of booze.

(Sigh. Guess we’ll have to go back to pretending to enjoy kickyball...)

David Donaldson notes that this Cambodian airline is no longer in business. “Perhaps,” he adds, “it’s failure was due to the fact that cabin crew were snarky and irritable, while pilots, on landing, tended to slam planes down on the runway.”