‘You Scots should not feel superior’
LET’S get straight to it. You’re suggesting that because my Talktv is averaging just 62,000 viewers a night for its peak-time big-budget show, and attracting a total of zero viewers at quieter times, that it’s likely to be dumped at the back of the close for Joe Junk or whoever to collect?
Well, that’s not true, and I’ll tell you why. I am the face of Talktv and, yes, it’s a face many people would love to slap.
But it’s one of the few news faces in Britain unafraid to offer a viewpoint – if you ignore the likes of Emily Maitlis, Andrew Marr and Andrew Neil, etc – and as such my Uncensored show will thrive.
You know, Boris Johnson this week showed he doesn’t know who Lorraine is and, to be frank, I don’t even know if Lorraine knows who Lorraine is. But everyone knows who Piers is.
He’s an Arsenal-loving, headlinegrabbing, anti-woke, attentionseeking, recreationally outraged but often furious saviour of sheer common sense. He frightens governments, public figures and sometimes his wife when he shouts at the television during Newsnight.
But consider this. British TV needs a good shake-up. BBC One is a mix of game shows and flour and eggs programmes, BBC Two is run by stern-faced social workers in thick tights, Channel 5 is for the hard of thinking and C4 is increasingly reliant upon documentaries about men with a penis on their arm. And I don’t know what’s revelatory about that.
BBC Two is run by stern-faced social workers in thick tights, and Channel 5 is for the hard of thinking
Nigel Farage’s wife has had one for years.
And you Scots shouldn’t feel superior. Your BBC Scotland channel managed to record zero viewers at one point and if it weren’t for repeats of Chewin’ the Fat that could still be the case. STV haven’t made anything of note since Carol Smillie showcased the prizes in Wheel of Fortune.
What you need to do is concentrate on the positive comments Talktv has attracted from the right-wing press. “As launch nights go, it was a purring Rolls-royce to GB News’ sputtering Robin Reliant,” said one writer.
Yes, some see it as a fascist tank with a mission to blow up the politics of humanity and concern. But, that apart, I simply don’t care about viewing figures.
Okay, I did care about viewing figures when I claimed I’d taken the numbers at Good Morning Britain skyward, but I was using a different criterion then, which was that I was commenting from a position of relative success.
Yes, I admit that asking colleague Sharon Osbourne to opine on world news is like asking Prince Andrew to front a UK Feminista rally. And I concede my interview with The Donald may have looked bit bum-kissy. But remember, we are not the same as GB news. We can afford lightbulbs. We can afford me.
This is a station at which everyone agrees with each other, and we’re all in agreement that I’m Captain Morgan and the SS Cancel Culture isn’t sinking, it’s headed for lovely blue seas.
Provided, of course, that Rupert keeps bailing us out.