Lessons well LEARNED
Preparing your teens to leave the nest isn’t always easy, but changes to their habits works wonders, finds
IF YOUR teenager thinks chips, a sports drink and a packet of fruit pastilles is a well balanced meal, then the chances are that he isn’t quite ready to fend for himself.
In comparison with Mediterranean countries, where teenagers often stay at home for longer, Scottish teenagers are expected to flee the nest at a relatively young age, with many heading to university or college at 17 or 18-years-old.
It begs the question of whether they are able to look after themselves and while some thrive, others sink under a morass of unwashed clothes, dirty dishes, take-away cartons and unpaid bills.
Even the clever ones cannot be expected to demonstrate they’ve learned any common sense in the years they have already spent on Earth.
“We were delighted when our son was accepted by Glasgow University to study to be a vet,” remembers Anne Black, from Perth. “Our delight was blunted when we discovered he’d gone on holiday to Ibiza with his pals and forgotten to tick the box that said he needed a place in the halls of residence. By the time he came back, all the places were taken and we spent hours phoning landlords to try find a place for him in a flat.
“We were at our wits’ end when the university accommodation service emailed us to say they had managed to find a place for him.”
Relieved to get him settled before Freshers’ Week, his parents then worried when he failed to get in touch with them to tell them how he was getting on. When he eventually did call, his first question was: “Can you wash jeans?”
“I couldn’t believe it – we had shown him the inside of a washing machine before he left but we assumed he would realise he needed to wash all his clothes without exception,” says his exasperated mum.
“When we went to visit him a few weeks later he met us in a soaking wet-shirt. Although he had eventually managed to wash his clothes, all the tumble dryers were full so he carted his wet washing back to his room then forgot about it.
“When we went into the room the smell of damp was overpowering. It actually made my eyes water.”
Cooking is another issue. While a friend’s son holds dinner parties for his student friends on a regular basis, another friend’s daughter – who is about to depart for university – is likely to starve or tuck into ready meals or takeaways as she is clueless about cooking.
“We have tried to teach her but her eyes just glaze over,” says her frustrated dad, Jim Macfarlane, from the Borders. “The other day I told her to make some pasta. She asked how much water to put in the pan so I just said a couple of inches thinking she would work it out for herself.
“When I came back into the kitchen, I found her standing with a ruler in a pan, so she could meas- ure exactly two inches of water.
“When she finally did put the spaghetti on, she forgot about it so the pan dried out.
“I asked her how she was going to manage to cater for herself and she was a bit surprised as she really thought that one of the other students would do it for her. I blame her mum.”
However, even if your teenager has been mollycoddled, it is not too late to prepare them now for university in the autumn, according to clinical applied psychologist Dr Carol Burniston.
Cooking and washing clothes can be easily tackled by just teaching the basics like how to boil an egg, microwave a jacket potato and cook pasta.
“It’s not about cordon bleu, it’s about getting the major food groups down,” she says.
“There are some really good cheap books you can stick in their bag about cooking meals for a pound or cooking meals in five minutes.”
More of a problem is the sudden freedom, she believes.
“Lots of youngsters are told when to go to bed and how much TV to watch, then, when they are on their own, they end up staying up until the early hours watching TV or playing video games and then they can’t get up.”
Dr Burniston recommends that over the next few months, parents should reduce the amount of control they exercise over their teens, whether it’s over how much alcohol they drink, what time they come home or what time they go to bed.
“Teenagers themselves often have a very good insight into what they need, so it is a good idea to start releasing the reins a bit early and let them make mistakes within a managed environment.
It is only by taking appropriate risks that they can learn self preservation,” she points out.
Budgeting can also be a problem and she suggests letting them manage their money from an early age.
“It’s better preparation than suddenly being faced with bills, and budgets,” says Dr Burniston.” n
DON’T DESPAIR: Teenagers’ bad habits can be hard to break, but it can be done.