TV review Cor blimey, that was a right royal knees-up

ATTENTION, young people. Think you have it hard with your inability to afford a home, your struggle to find a job, your ailing planet? Well, consider this. When some of us were young there were only three channels on television, and on some nights, now almost too painful to recall, one channel would be showing the Royal Variety Performance.

Seemingly endless hours of cheesy comedians, sexist dance routines and ear-bleeding singers. I have often thought the reason the British monarchy did not go the same way as the French was because the mob in Blighty had a glimpse of the future. They saw the horrors of Royal Variety Performances to come and reckoned British royalty would suffer enough.

Well, blow me down with a quill feather if I did not find myself the other day crooning the praises of The Royal Variety Performance (STV, Tuesday, 7.30pm). There was still a fair bit of tat to wade through, making the two-and-a-half hour show something of a car boot sale viewing experience. Host Greg Davies, his mum in the audience, did his best to be as bland as possible, and there were plenty of cringeworthy cuts to Harry and Meghan, sitting in the royal box, to see if they were laughing. They were.

But now and again some genuinely fine material rocked up, including Cirque du Soleil and an extract from Tina, The Tina Turner Musical. Best of all was the opening number from Hamilton, complete with lavish staging. Goodness, if they keep up this standard I may have to watch again next time.

Care (BBC1, Sunday, 9pm) was not a drama designed to send you off for a good night’s slumber. It was instead a reminder that as a society we are a long

teddy bears remain a bestseller. Featuring contributions from former employees.

A Very British Country House (Channel 4, 9pm)

In the final episode, romance is in the air at Cliveden House. Boutique hotel brand Mr & Mrs Smith capitalises on the hotel’s reputation for scandal by shooting a commercial in an intimate bedroom. There’s also romance on the river, and Lydia plans the most lavish wedding of the year for a Japanese supermodel and her British fiance. No expense has been spared, with a 10-tier cake, bespoke Valentino dress and half a million pounds worth of jewellery. But the spectacular firework display is in jeopardy as Dom struggles to serve dinner before the curfew.