The Herald - The Herald Magazine
A stitch in time could save you from lockdown boredom
ESSENTIAL items in days like these, regardless of what those power-crazed rozzers in the English police said. Teabags, check. Fresh veg, check. Turkish Delight, of course. And don’t forget a Kirstie Allsopp. Everybody needs a Kirstie Allsopp.
Kirstie is the kind of jump to it gal who could knit you a hospital before lunch and still have time to deck a testing centre with jolly bunting.
Kirstie: Keep Crafting and Carry On (Channel 4, Monday to Friday) was part of the channel’s virus viewing, its aim to keep stay at home viewers busy and hopefully cheery. Kirstie was in lockdown with her family and, ever the practical one, she had thought to bring some of her “TV family” along as well. Not for Kirstie shooting a programme on some dodgy laptop with terrible lighting. She had two camera operators, all at a safe social distance of course, and had decorated her dining room with oodles of delightful knick-knacks and twinkly lights.
In the first of ten episodes she made a bug hotel, a balloon garland, and cloth flowers to stick on a cushion. Using footage from a programme shot in pre-virus days, she also showed us how to reupholster a dining room chair. As she did all this, public-spirited Kirstie slipped in some official guidance: we should only use stuff we already had at home; no driving to fetch things or any of that malarkey, and so on.
Lord knows what future archaeologists will think if they ever dig up a site from 2020.
Why did people make all this tat, they will wonder. They must have had far too much spare time on their hands, or had run out of booze, to faff around making bug hotels. But then they will come across a statue of Kirstie, and some old shows on YouTube, and all will be clear. Kirstie: the human equivalent of a balloon garland – essentially pointless but cheers the place up no end.
The Great British Sewing Bee (BBC1, Wednesday), though made before virus times, had a similar aim to keep us busy with things we might want to try at home. Well, sort of. The level of skill among the 12 contestants was such that if you did not already have a sewing machine and years of experience, forget it.
Scotland was represented by Alex, a student from Edinburgh, and Fiona, who lived near Glasgow. In the “transformation challenge” the contestants had to take two bog standard men’s shirts and turn them
into womenswear. Alex ran out of time and handed in a halffinished dress which he unwisely tried to pass off as intentional to judge Esme Young, lecturer at Central Saint Martins and nobody’s mug. I wanted it to be a blend of raw and structured, said Alex. “I think you are making that up,” replied Esme.
There was no drama, despite the desperate attempts by host Joe Lycett to whip some up. Listen, mate. Once upon a time we might have given a bobbin about the choice of a stretchy fabric for a wrap skirt (wrong, wrong, wrong), or a meandering hem, but these days? Pfft. No excitement, then, just everyone being jolly nice while making pretty clothes, or in some cases pretty naff clothes.
Altogether darker fare was on offer in Celebrity SAS:
Who Dares Wins (Channel 4, Monday). Given the fundamentally ridiculous nature of this show, in which a bunch of 12 celebrities are taken to the Hebrides and put through their paces by former members of the special forces, you might expect it to throw up some amusing moments. But everyone took this very seriously indeed.
Among the contestants were Brendan from Strictly, Katie Price, former glamour model, Anthea Turner, who used to present breakfast telly with Eamonn Holmes, much to his delight (he snarkily dubbed her “Princess Tippy Toes”), and Joey Essex from reality show The
Only Way is Essex. One of the instructors described the group as “celebs at the top of their game”. Someone doesn’t watch much telly.
I did giggle when one of the hardmen shouted to Turner, “Come on grandma, get a move on!, and when Joey Essex, told to check himself for ticks, fretted about getting “limescale disease”. Price, however, bothered me.
Asked what she was doing there, Price spoke of the terrible time she had of late, including being held up at gunpoint while on holiday with her children in South Africa, her mother being ill and her horse dying. She felt she needed to be “broken down” to be built up again. I think she needed to be sent home. Ditto the Scouse boxer who was engulfed by overwhelming feelings of rage and struggled to see a future for himself now he was retired. Maybe the instructors’ stark advice will get through. We shall see.
ended its run with Imperial gubbing Corpus Christ, Cambridge. Two teams of four, all men, all terribly clever. Bet none of them could reupholster a dining room chair, though.