The Herald - The Herald Magazine

Cold comfort


EAMONN Holmes is the latest entity to advocate ice-cold showers. The television host has been poorly, but claims he feels better now and that his brain fog has cleared. I see.

I’m afraid this isn’t for me, though. Poor circulatio­n, don’t you know? Poor specimen altogether. Can’t stand heat either. That’s a very Celtic thing apparently: the worst of both worlds.

Oddly enough, having said that, pre-Covid I did like a sauna, after which I’d have a seven-second cold shower (i.e. while the body heat lasted), but the truth is I struggled with both. I am not as other men, and only did these things to make myself feel even worse about life.

My ludicrous hypothesis was that, by persisting with this torture, I’d be able to stand heat and cold better out there in the allegedly real world. Did this work? Nope.

Nothing ever works. That’s what we should teach the children. “Nothing ever goes right, boys and girls. God hates us and spoils everything. Now dry your tears and polish your shoes.” It’s a shame that Rabology isn’t on the national curriculum.

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