Should my stepdaughter be our bridesmaid?

THE man I am about to marry has a daughter with his first wife. Their divorce was difficult, and his ex-wife has always she made it very hard for him to see the child. He and I plan to marry in the summer, my fiance’s mother insists we should be asking his daughter to be a bridesmaid. I know she doesn’t like me and thinks I had something to do with the divorce.

FIONA SAYS: I can understand why you don’t like the idea of being given ultimatums by your mother-in-law-to-be, but stop for one moment and think about this little girl. The one who is about to become your stepdaughter. If she knows of the wedding plans, she is probably feeling very left out, and I have to say, I am rather concerned that your fiance isn’t more concerned about including her.

Lots of little girls get very excited at the idea of being a bridesmaid, and I’m sure your fiance’s daughter is no different. Trying to organise this with your husband’s ex-wife will I’m sure be tricky, but there’s someone else who could do this and might really appreciate the opportunity.

Rather than be at loggerheads with your new mother-in-law, why not talk to her and explain your fears?

You could then ask her to broker the arrangements. I’m sure that, between now and the summer, there will be the opportunity to organise a dress for her (make allowances for her to grow a little of course).

Then you could suggest, for example, that the little girl could come and stay with her granny a few days before the wedding (for rehearsals etc). If that were to happen then it’s more likely she would be able to be there on the day. It will help your relationship with your mother-in-law-to-be and - more importantly - it will help to build a relationship with your new stepdaughter too.

I’VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH NEW FRIEND

Following a messy break-up, I went through a tricky bout of depression last year and had some counselling. In that time, through a support group, I met a man who was also seeing a counsellor. He was finding it hard to come to terms with the death of his wife and we struck up an immediate friendship.

We’ve both finished our counselling sessions and have remained good friends. What’s more, we’ve spent a lot of time together, and I realised over Christmas that my feelings for him now go beyond friendship. I love him very much and really want to tell him how I feel. We’ve been seeing each other for about six months and the longer our friendship continues to grow, the more difficult it will become, I think, to start a real relationship. However, I get the impression that he is not really ready for this, and the last thing I want to do is scare him away.

We’ve spent a lot of time together, and I realised that my feelings for him now go beyond friendship

FIONA SAYS: I’m not sure why you’re so worried about this developing friendship. Many successful marriages have happened between people who suddenly realised they were more than friends. How much worse would you feel if, five years from now, you’re still good friends - and you find out that you’ve loved each other all that time but neither of you had said anything?

Let him know that your feelings for him have grown beyond friendship, but that you’re prepared to wait. He may confirm your suspicions that he’s not ready for a relationship. If he makes it clear that he’ll never feel anything more for you than friendship, then at least you’ll know and can start to look elsewhere for love. On the other hand, you may find he feels the same way about you but has simply been holding back because he thinks YOU’RE not ready for a relationship! So go on, ask him - you’ll never know otherwise.