Should I let my kids sleep in my bed?

MY husband and I recently divorced. We were forced due to the pandemic to continue to live together while the divorce was going through, and it was hugely difficult. All three children have been left very upset by what happened.

Although things are much better now for us all, quite often one or the other of them will wake up and crawl into bed with me. I don’t have a problem with this, but friends tell me it is wrong and not good for them.

FIONA SAYS: When cuddling or sleeping with a child I think what needs to be considered first is whose needs are being met. If your children are sleeping with you because you feel sad or lonely or upset, then that is not really healthy for a child of any age.

It’s not a child’s job to comfort their parents. Further, if there comes a time when you feel uncomfortable cuddling your child in bed with you, then you should stop.

Bearing all that in mind, the very fact that your children are still having disturbed nights indicates things are still worrying them. I don’t think now would be the moment to start banning them from your room or putting a lock on the door. As things settle down though, it’s not a bad idea to encourage them to be more independent. Allowing your children to share your bed could become a habit that’s hard to break – for you as well as for them.

STILL ANGRY WITH MY DAUGHTER FOR IGNORING ADVICE

When my daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend four years ago, I tried everything to stop her. She was only 17 and there was something about him I just didn’t like. It turns out I was right, because he dumped her as soon as he found out she was pregnant.

She’s only now contacted us again and she’s a single mum with a threeyear-old toddler. My husband has forgiven her, but I feel so angry and I’m not sure I can.

FIONA SAYS: Your daughter is presumably still only 21 or 22 – she’s very young still and she made a mistake. You have a grandchild that you could have a wonderful relationship with too, and a child who wants to be close to you once more. If ever there was a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face, this must be it!

Perhaps she knows how angry you are and has been afraid to face you. Talk to your husband or perhaps even a Relate (relate.org.uk) counsellor to help you get to the bottom of why you feel so angry.

BREAK-IN HAS LEFT ME SO ANXIOUS

Since our house was broken into almost a year ago, I haven’t had managed to get a single full night’s sleep. The break-in occurred whilst we were asleep in bed, so now I have nightmares of waking up and finding someone looking over me lying there.

FIONA SAYS: Having your house broken into is deeply traumatic. It is your home and a burglary can bring up feelings of violation as well as deep insecurity – so you really are not alone in this. Such feelings can take a long time to go away – but a year is a long time to still be living with this level of anxiety and it sounds like you could benefit from having some help.

Contact Victim Support (victimsupport.org.uk) where you can get help in dealing with the emotional after-effects or call their free 24-hour support line on 0808 1689 111.