Our daughter is being so ungrateful

IAM feeling so fed up with my daughter and her husband, as they seem to be just so ungrateful. My husband and I have bought them lots of gifts since they got married last year – some of them have been quite expensive too.

Although they always thanked us in the beginning, over the last few months or so, they seem to have stopped.

My husband says we should stop buying them things, but it seems mean as we can afford it and they can’t.

FIONA SAYS: You say you’re fed up with your daughter, but have you not wondered why she and her husband have stopped saying thank-you?

Whilst I agree with you that it’s common courtesy to expect people to show appreciation for gifts, I can’t help but wonder if this young couple are feeling just a bit overloaded.

Buying them ‘stuff’ might feel like you’re trying to buy their affection and keep them beholden to you, when they should be striking out in life as an independent couple.

There may be young people who are happy to live off the largesse of their parents, but many more want to make their own way.

Further, you may be giving them things that are your taste, but really aren’t theirs.

Your daughter has grown up with this and may feel more used to it than her husband, but by giving them so much, it may even be causing difficulties in her marriage.

Have you considered how her husband may feel?

It could be he thinks you’re implying he is inadequate, as he’s not able to provide these things and cannot afford to reciprocate your gifts.

Have you never been given a really expensive gift that you don’t really like? It is hard to show enthusiasm, and hard to tell the giver you don’t like it, without risking them taking offence. Most people end up saying nothing, and that could be what is happening here.

I believe your husband is right to suggest you ease back on the giving. If you are seriously trying to dispose of your surplus money for tax reasons, then why not talk to an independent financial advisor.

You might be able to put money into something like an ISA or a pension scheme in her name – but please talk to her and her husband before doing so.

CAN I STOP MY BIRTH MOTHER FINDING ME?

Every so often, there seems to be a show on TV about people happily tracking down their birth parents after adoption. They always show everyone living happily ever after. I, on the other hand, live in dread of my natural mother ever finding me.

I have such superb adoptive parents that the last thing I want to do is rock the boat or hurt them. Is there any way I can block any attempts to find me?

FIONA SAYS: I don’t think you are unique; there are many people who feel like you. The Adoption Contact Register at the General Register Office is the place to start.

It’s not a tracing service it is simply a register. The majority of Scottish births are held in the custody of the Registrar General for Scotland at New Register House in Edinburgh.

For a connection to be made between people, you both need to be on the Adoption Contact Register, where you can register that you do not want to be contacted. Although they will notify you of any birth relatives who have applied for contact, those relatives won’t be told of your no contact wish.

If your birth relatives use an intermediary tracing agency though – as I said, the normal route people use to try and find birth relative – then that agency will be told you don’t want contact. The agency might still approach you though, just to make sure you still feel the same way.

There have been tales of social media being used to track people, but unless you’re using your birth name and details, this seems unlikely in your case.