My husband has been driving me away

COVID took a big toll on my husband’s company, but when we first heard he might lose his job, I really wasn’t too worried. He’s 58 and has worked long hours all our marriage, so I thought it would be a good chance for us to spend more time together and get closer to one another again. Instead, the opposite seems to have happened.

He’s got so bad tempered and loses his rag over the slightest thing. He grumbles about everything and when he gets really down in the dumps, he says I may as well pack my bags and leave because he can’t afford to support me. I hate this tension between us though and I am beginning to wonder if he is right.

FIONA SAYS: I suspect your husband may well be very depressed. He obviously invested a lot more of himself in his job than you appreciated and losing it has dealt a real blow to his confidence.

Although he is saying you should go, if you were to leave, that would almost certainly just make him feel he was right. It’s quite an old-fashioned view that it’s a man’s role and duty to work and provide security for their wife and family. Perhaps your husband is a bit of a traditionalist, but perhaps you could encourage him to realise that in many relationships these days, there is a lot more give and take.

He will need a lot of reassurance from you that you love him. If you can manage to convince him of this and show him that you want to work through the problems with him, it may be enough to bring him out of his current state of insecurity.

If he can’t or won’t open up, you may also find it helpful to ask your doctor to refer you for counselling. If he is seriously depressed though he may need medical help – again, your doctor is the person to advise.

MY BROTHER HAS STOPPED TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF

I am really worried about my elder brother. He’s only 68 but he has suddenly started to seem really old. I don’t know what has happened to change him but until a few months ago, he was always smart, clean and well presented. Almost overnight he changed, and now I have to remind him to shower, brush his teeth, change his clothes – everything. And it isn’t just a reminder – sometimes I really have to nag him to do anything.

He seems to refuse to accept there is a problem at all, so where do I go from here?

FIONA SAYS: Something clearly happened that caused your brother to neglect his appearance. It could be that he is depressed – but what has caused the depression can only be guesswork on my part, because there is nothing in your email to give any clues.

It could also be that he’s showing early signs of dementia. I’m not a doctor – but signs like this can indicate a medical issue such as this, or perhaps he’s had a TIA (transient ischaemic attack) that has affected him like this. A TIA is like a small stroke but it’s temporary, and most people recover within a short period of time. Therefore, you might not have noticed it happening – he might not have even realised himself. People who have had a TIA are at an increased risk of having a stroke, so it is important to check with a doctor and get advice.

If you can encourage him to see how his behaviour has changed, then he may open up. Either way, I would really encourage you to try and get him to see his GP as soon as possible.