5 THINGS WE HAVE LEARNED THIS WEEK Who scoops dino poop?

Half of the nation’s nippers believe dinosaurs still roam Britain, according to an important survey by toy manufacturer Mattel. A third said they’d love to have a dinosaur as a pet. Clearly, they haven’t thought this through. Apart from anything else, what size of poopscooper would they need when taking their pet for a walk?

Oi polloi

A woke warrior threw eggs at a new statue of Margaret Thatcher in Grantham, Lincs. We love when daft events are reported in a matter-offact way. Thus: “Three eggs were thrown at the statue, with a cry of ‘oi’ heard after one hit its target.” Such detail brings a story, if not a statue, alive.

Wobblies crushed

As you’d expect, jellyfish will soon be sucked and crushed by robots. The technical innovation is being trialled in yonder Japan, where the wobbly monsters get caught in fishing boats’ nets and spoil catches. Some of the beasties grow to six feet and could have your eye out. Well, they’ve got it coming now, the gelatinous swine.

Pet mates

A quarter of folk in Britland prefer their pets to their partners, believing them more loyal and, more importantly, appreciating that they never answer back. Half talk to their pets about their feelings – “Ah’m right fed up, ken?” – and believe their pets understand them. Still, it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist. And probably more effective.

Have a word

Half of Britain’s drivers don’t know what many buttons on their cars do, says a survey. They can’t find the fog light, bonnet-opener or desired heating. That’s because we live in Symbol World. If car manufacturers would just put words next to buttons, like in the sane old days, we’d know exactly what does what.