5 End in sight for mortality

Humans will be living forever by 2030 as a result of nanobots being injected into our blood to repair damage to our bodies, according to futurist Ray Kurzweil. Knowing my luck, they’ll announce it’ll start the following week, whereupon I riposte, “Excellent. I … aargh!”, as I collapse to the deck.

AI, right

More AI hysteria. James Cameron, creator of the Terminator films, believes robots may already be running the world. That’s why it’s so bonkers. Meanwhile, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates says intelligent machines could “run out of control” and destroy humans as a “threat”. Of course, humans could always not invent them. But that’s not going to not happen.

Happy days

A quarter of folk miss lockdown, the halcyon era when we weren’t allowed to do anything, and the police persecuted dissenters. Lockdown provided a great excuse not to go out or see family members, both major causes of “depression”. Folk also got to work from home in their jammies with Metallica on at top volume.

Q and eh?

Here’s a joab fur ye: Q. Ken? Q as in James Bond. MI6 are seeking Technical Operations Officers to support secret agents. The spy organisation is part of the woke establishment, so it says only females and ethnic minorities need apply. Excellent. If you’re good with gadgets but don’t meet these criteria, perhaps you could try Currys.

Baad idea

Introducing sheep to city centres could reduce stress among urbanites, say researchers at the University of California. They let the controversial beasts feed on lawns there, and passers-by reportedly found them peaceful. The question is how peaceful would the sheep find city centres, where human nutters congregate? They’d probably be considered more edible than peaceful.