Shedding new light on aliens

5

Increasingly, aliens sound like good folk. Not only do they avoid the awful Earthlings, but they like to spend time in sheds, according to a poll by Free Bets. Sheds are basic, quiet and a little bit closer to nature. Truly, the aliens are creatures after your correspondent’s heart.

John d’oh

Leading Russian nutter Vladimir Putin is a big fan of Elton John, reports political pundit Andrew Marr. Sir Elton had asked Marr to give Vlad a kiss on the cheek, and an album by gay icon Donna Summer, before meeting the Russian dictator. Wisely, Marr demurred.

Panic attack

Yon siren due to go off on folks’ phones in just over a fortnight could cause chaos on the roads, warn motoring organisations. Drivers will be distracted by the warning, a Government test for weather, or possibly even terrorist, alerts. Other experts have warned of decent citizens running around like Corporal Jones, shouting: “Don’t panic!”

Meat and greet

Mental price news: royal grocer Fortnum & Mason is selling a small joint of beef for £130. Outrageous! But wait – the meat is dry-aged in an “authentic Himalayan salt chamber in Northern Ireland”. Oh, that changes everything. Fortnum’s suggests a £105 bottle of Chateau Talbot to accompany it. Tin of Tennent’s should also do the job.

RIP off

Nearly half the people in Britain have tried contacting the deid, according to a poll for computer game Two Point Campus: School Spirits. Methods used included psychic mediums and Ouija boards. The poor deid. Just when they think they’ve found some quiet, along come this lot with their woowoo. Rest in peace? My eye.