Susan Swarbrick
A vintage year of mishap and mayhem draws to a close
AH, good old 2018. What a time to be alive, eh? I considered writing a list of the all-important lessons we have gleaned over the past 12 months, but then realised that as the pre-Hogmanay melancholy begins to seep in, what we all need is a glitzy awards ceremony to stave off the blues.
So, as a vintage year of mishap and mayhem draws to a close, let’s reminisce about some of the magical moments to which we have borne witness. I’ll hand out the prizes.
The Biggest Sporting Stink Award Winner: Darts
THERE were great strides taken in professional darts this year when it was announced the sport would no longer use walk-on girls – the equivalent of Formula One grid girls and boxing’s ring girls.
Yet, it would seem there is only so much progress that can be tolerated at the oche before it is necessary to remind us that this, after all, is a game with its roots in working men’s clubs and grotty boozers. Case in point: the flatulence row that let rip at the Grand Slam of Darts.
Dutch player Wesley Harms claimed he was affected by a not-so fragrant aroma that double world champion Gary Anderson had left as they competed at the event in Wolverhampton last month. “It’ll take me two nights to lose this smell from my nose,” Harms told the television station RTL7L. Musselburgh-born Anderson insisted, however, that the putrid stench – likened to “rotten eggs” – had come “from the table side” at the Aldersley Leisure Village, suggesting it was from the crowd. “If the boy thinks I’ve farted he’s 1,010% wrong. I had a bad stomach once on stage before and admitted it. So, I’m not going to lie about farting on stage,” he was quoted as saying by the BBC.
Best Teeth-Related Headline Joint winners: Beyonce and a police dog
“WHO bit Beyonce?” screamed the headlines after comedian and actress Tiffany Haddish revealed in a GQ interview last March that an unnamed celebrity had attempted to sink their gnashers into the hallowed face of Queen Bey during a Hollywood party.
The internet rumour mill cranked into gear as showbiz watchers turned amateur detective. While there have been several names in the frame – and some feverish denials – our fanged culprit remains at large. The hunt continues …
Many of us in journalism harbour a soft spot for the “man bites dog” headline and 2018 brought us this mythical beast in all its toothy glory.
Police officers investigating a reported shooting in the US state of New Hampshire last January were attempting to arrest a man when he bit their dog. The canine – known as K9 Veda – promptly bit him back and then watched as the man was Tasered.
The Emperor’s New Clothes Trophy For Fashion Winner: Alice Potts
A fashion student poured blood, sweat and very possibly tears into her designs. Literally.
Royal College of Art graduate Alice Potts devised a technique to customise attire using crystal accessories formed from bodily fluid and excretions. Her designs included a pair of ballet shoes adorned with crystals formed from sweat and a fake fur featuring urine-crystals.
It all sounds very swish but [adopts best Dragons’ Den voice]: “Sorry Alice, I’m out …”
The Pointless Things Go Viral Wooden Spoon Winner: Yanny or Laurel?
BILLED as the aural equivalent of The Dress That Broke The Internet, a one-word audio clip could be heard to say “Yanny” or “Laurel” depending on your ability to decipher high or low frequencies. It sparked heated debate for about, oh, five minutes before everyone got bored.
Does this mean humanity has evolved or simply possesses an even shorter attention span than three years ago when arguments over The Dress ruined friendships and tore families apart?