What does grief look like in lockdown?

ADDRESSING grief in an open letter to two fans this month, Australian singer songwriter Nick Cave wrote: “Grief is not something you pass through, as there is no other side. For us, grief became a way of life, an approach to living, where we learned to yield to the uncertainty of the world, while maintaining a stance of defiance to its indifference.”

The description could be applied to the peculiar conditions of navigating grief in the age of Covid-19.

The pandemic and subsequent lockdown has created a new reality, one in which people who have lost loved ones are denied the usual connection, comfort and closure that can sustain them as they grieve, with some unable to say physical goodbyes at home or in hospital due to isolation, and limited numbers at funerals.

Janet Watson, a counsellor for Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland, describes grief as “no one size fits all but with clear stages people go through”.

She adds: “Initially denial, then anger, followed by a period of coming to terms which can lead to depression, and often bargaining – if I had done this they might still be here, if I live like this, it won’t hurt so much.

“When you lose someone you love, we lose the person but not the love – we need to relocate the person in our life.”

But grieving during these uncertain times, with restrictions on proximity that could potentially last longer than lockdown, presents a concern.

“People are really struggling not being able to grieve in the same way,” she said. “Funerals can now have as few as three people, you can’t touch, be close or hug. People can’t go and see dying relatives which can cause more guilt that might already have been there.

“[When you lose someone], you are dealing with the loss of normal life and in these circumstances can cause a much longer grieving process.”

Cruse volunteers are providing support to people online and by phone during lockdown, with call lengths jumping from an average of around 15 minutes to over an hour.

Fiona Arnott-Barron, chief operating officer of Cruse, has concerns over grief being “paused” during this time. Difficult circumstances surrounding a death can cause a bereaved person to develop complicated grief, also known as prolonged grief disorder, which can persist for years and can interfere with normal functioning.

Arnott-Barron said: “That’s what worries me, all the unresolved feelings causing a tsunami of grief. We are ready for that inevitable surge.”

Watson agreed: “At the end of this, I see there being a huge flood of demand on services such as ours ... I think it will be about finding ways to retrospectively honour [people’s] own grief and the loss of their loved one – finding ceremonial ways to do that.”

Funerals are often an important stage in the grieving process, where memories are shared and bonds of love celebrated. But with families forced to social distance during services – and others not even able to attend – the usual comfort gained from these occasions in missing.

For humanist celebrant Susan Douglas-Scott, this is one of the hardest aspects of life under the threat of Covid-19. She said: “One of the parts of grieving is giving people a good send-off. A big part of it is really celebrating the person’s life. We share the stories at the service and you just see people lighting up with the joy of those memories.

“Now people have lost that. Normally people are holding hands or hugging, or laughing together so none of that is happening in the same way which is creating a massive gap for people.”

Gillian Sherwood, director of clinical services at The Prince & Princess of Wales Hospice (PPWH) in Glasgow, recognises the difficulties that people with life-limiting illnesses face during the pandemic preparing and managing their affairs and saying goodbye to their loved ones, while others are grappling with new fears over contracting the virus.

She said: “People are scared, which is putting more pressure on patients and families and is further isolating them. We are doing our utmost to provide reassurance and care by helping people to discuss and achieve what matters to them, within what is our new normal.

“Many of us will be processing what this means on a personal and social level and how we will reintegrate or cope with the long-term effects of the changes. If we then take into account the death of someone we love in this state of national anxiety and uncertainty, without the reassuring structure of existing social connections and cultural rituals, what will your grief look like?”