Lorne Jackson
Gym jam
FRISKY for some fresh air, Mark Bell is hoping to walk the West Highland Way with his son this summer. When he informed the teenager of the plan, the lad merely inquired: “Are there any gyms on the route?”
Mark said he wasn’t sure, though he added that he would be surprised if they stumbled upon a gym halfway up a mountain in the Highlands.
“Oh,” said the boy with a disappointed sigh. “Then how are we meant to get any exercise along the way?”
Getting your kicks
ENERGETIC reader Tony Holmes still plays Sunday league football, even at the grand old age of 43. Last week, he was standing in the opposition penalty box when the ball was crossed. Showing the flexibility of an acrobat half his age, he threw his body backwards and scissorkicked the ball, scoring.
“What about that?” he shrieked at an opposing player standing next to him. “I scored with a bicycle kick!”
The unimpressed player shrugged, then said: “Mate, you’re so ancient that should be called a penny-farthing kick.”
Miner snag
WE continue celebrating exotic golfing terminology. “When you make good contact with the ball but it deviates into the rough, it’s called an Arthur Scargill,” says Ted Murray from Ayr.
“Nice strike. Pity about the result.”
And John Gilligan from Ayr says hitting what appears to be a good drive, then watching the ball thud into inhospitable terrain, is known as a mother-inlaw shot.
It looked good leaving.
End game
JOHN Petrie from East Kilbride moves the conversation on to another favourite Scottish pastime, bowls. “A bowl which falls well short of the jack is known as a Judith Chalmers,” he informs us.
For those too young to recall, Chalmers once presented a TV holiday programme titled … Wish You Were Here.
And he tells us a bowl which is delivered much too wide to be of any use may result in the following derisory shout from a rival competitor: “You’ll need a collie dug to bring that yin in!”
Hair-raising tale
WITH Dolly Parton’s musical 9 to 5 currently being staged at Glasgow’s King’s Theatre, we’re recalling our favourite quips from the country crooner, pictured right. Bill Rutherford from Galashiels remembers her being asked how long it took her to get a haircut.“I don’t know,” she replied. “I’m
never there.”
Elec trickery
“I ASKED an electrician to fix an electrical issue in my house,” says reader Pauline Baxter. “He refused.”
Chippy chap
THE Diary is recalling favourite fiendishly-nasty comments. A friend of reader Barry Watts once spotted a
glum-faced fellow, and said: “Looks like he’s been dooking for hips.”
Rhapsodic
A DIARY tale about misheard song lyrics reminds reader Debbie Meehan of the Queen hit Bohemian Rhapsody, where band members belt out the words: “Spare him his life from this monstrosity.” Which is very dramatic. Though what Debbie and her family sing whenever the song is played is even more spectacular: “Spare him his life for a warm cup of tea.”
Dry wit
WE’RE remembering rock star Meat Loaf, who sadly passed away recently. Observant John Mulholland noticed that on the day his death was announced the BBC lunchtime weatherman provided a subtle tribute. “Today it’s dry and sunny, but cold,” he said. “Two out of three ain’t bad.”
Busy boys
THE curious things people say … A reader was in the Marks & Spencer cafe in Argyle Street when she overheard the following snippet of conversation between two women, discussing a mutual pal: “She’s not been great, but her two sons can’t help because one’s got Covid and the other one has sheep and llamas.”
Not so handy
ENTERING a local supermarket, reader Malcolm Boyd observed a fellow shopper applying the hand gel supplied by the store.
“I didn’t think it would provide him much protection,” says Malcolm. “He was wearing gloves.”
Hot stuff
OUR observant readers are on the lookout for workers whose names perfectly fit their jobs.
“The other day we suffered the catastrophe of a winter boiler failure,” says Larry Cheyne. “The engineer who came to our rescue was the appropriately named Paul Heaton.”
In two minds
“PEOPLE say I’m a contrarian,” says reader Maurice Mitchell. “But I disagree.”
Belly ache
THE Diary likes to occasionally improve the English Dictionary by adding definitions that don’t currently appear in it.
Reader Jim Hamilton suggests: Abdicate: To give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Mouthing off
“I BOUGHT a muzzle for my pet duck,” says reader Arthur Macleod. “Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.”
Lorne Jackson’s Diary appears in The Herald Monday-Saturday