Lorne Jackson
Animal magic
GADABOUT Glesga gal Deedee Cuddihy was visiting the city’s Oran Mor theatre to enjoy the latest A Play, A Pie and A Pint production when she overheard a snippet of conversation that was west end warbling of a very fine vintage. “No, can’t do Saturdays,” said one woman to another, “that’s when I volunteer at the alpaca farm.”
Fruity fella
WE’RE celebrating the rich variety of foods available in Scotland. A work colleague of Brian Logan from Langside once asked him to name four types of fruit beginning with T. “I quickly got tangerine and tomato, then was stuck, “admits Brian.
He was duly impressed when his colleague filled in the blanks by adding a tin of peaches and a toffee apple.
Blubbering
FISHY tales, continued from previous editions. (To be strictly accurate, this story is actually about an ocean-bobbing mammal, not a fish. Though if you coated it in batter then served with a portion of chips it would probably look like a fish, which is close enough for us.)
Now on with the narrative … Russell
Smith from Largs was once in the Highlands when he overheard a man and woman we will conveniently name Hamish and Flora discussing forthcoming movies they could watch.
Hamish enthusiastically proposed Moby Dick.
“What’s it about?” asked Flora in her Highland lilt.
“It’s all about whales,” explained Hamish.
“Och,” tutted Flora. “I can’t be standing bloody Welshmen.”
Food faux pas
UNFORTUNATE news for reader James Randall. “I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society,” he sighs. “I kept spilling the beans.”
Smearing smugly
“I HAVE a prescription for gloating cream,” says reader Nicola Butler. “I can’t wait to rub it in.”
Local lingo
BEING an engineering officer in the Merchant Navy is highly educational, says Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie, who recalls with fondness his time spent acquiring new skills and visiting exotic ports. Then there was the learning experience that took place in the officers’ bar …
Our correspondent had just finished a drink when a colleague produced from his uniform shirt pocket a folded slip of paper which he stood up in Malcolm’s glass. Malcolm removed the paper, opened it up, and read aloud what had been written there, which was the letters MT. “Thanks very much,” responded his naughty nautical colleague, handing Malcolm his empty glass. “I’ll have another beer.”
The moral maze
“THE West is banning oil from Russia because it’s a despotic regime with terrible human rights,” points out Scottish comedian Leo Kearse, who adds that it will instead get its black gold from “Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and that woman who put the cat in the bin”.
Hero not super
LEAVING a screening of the new Batman movie, reader Louisa Frost spotted a young woman shrugging her shoulders and saying to a gal pal: “Meh. Too much bat. Not enough man.”
Barrel of laughs
A DIARY tale about a classical composer inspires reader
Gordon Casely to devise the following advertising slogan to be used in music shops: “Barrel organ for sale. Works by Handel.”
Park life
ENJOYING a stroll round the pond in Glasgow’s Queen’s Park, reader Henry Summers spotted a young mother with her toddler son. “Look!” trilled the thrilled child, pointing. “Over there! It’s a mongoose.” “No, dear,” replied mother. “That’s not a mongoose. It’s a swan.”
Then, after a meaningful pause, she added: “I really should take you away from that nursery. Their teaching methods are radical, to say the least.”
Circular spying
CURIOUS reader Cliff Hathaway says: “I’ve always wanted to find out what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other.”
Cap that
THE DIARY usually tries to be cheerful and upbeat, though we occasionally prefer to discombobulate our readers with a dramatic change in tone and mood, as we do today, with this sad tale involving a tragic loss, followed by a despairing quest which – alas! – proves to be in vain. Handkerchiefs at the ready, folks … Ian Noble from Carstairs Village informs us that he used to have one of those baseball caps with the skip at the back. Unfortunately, he somehow managed to lose it. “For years now I’ve been trying to find another one just like it,” adds Ian. “But all the baseball caps these days seem to have the skip at the front. Can anyone help?”
Meal moan
GREGARIOUS Diary correspondent Iona McKay tells us: “I don’t like eating pasta on my own. I get cannelloni.”
Medal haul
“I ENTERED the Kleptomaniac World Championships,” boasts sporting reader Andrew Johnson, “and managed to bag gold … silver and bronze.” Read Lorne Jackson’s Diary in The Herald every day