Lorne Jackson
Cup of joy
JANE McCarry, who played Isa Drennan in TV sitcom Still Game, is in a sporting mood, having been to watch darts being played at the Hydro. No doubt the athleticism on display was most inspiring, though that isn’t what impressed her the most.
“You get a £1 for every plastic cup you return,” trills the actress gleefully.
She adds: “I made more money than I paid for the ticket! Like taking Barr’s ginger bottles back, was beside masel with joy. Just need to campaign to bring back scrambles at weddings now …”
Killer comment
STROLLING down Glasgow’s Buchanan Street, reader Martha Roberts spotted a bloke manning an open-air stall, attempting to get pedestrians to pause for a while and listen to his spiel.
Martha has no idea what he was selling as she decided not to stop after hearing the beginning of his pitch, broadcast in a loud Scouse accent.
“Good afternoon! I’m not a weirdo,” was what he said.
“I must admit,” says
Martha. “I found that very reassuring. As reassuring as going on a blind date, and the first words from the chap you meet are: “Good evening, and let me put your mind at ease
… I’m not a serial killer.”
Nature boy (not)
HEALTH-CONSCIOUS reader Jim Hamilton says: “I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.”
Beefy bites back
A DIARY yarn about the land down under reminds Bryce Drummond of the occasion when English cricketer Ian Botham was censured for puffing marijuana. As he was about to play Australia in a series of Test matches in their homeland, one Aussie politician opined that he should not be allowed to travel, or play, as he had broken the law.
Bolshie Botham hit back by saying he assumed breaking the law was one of the best ways to enter Oz.
Bony bumble
MADCAP malapropisms, continued. Comedian Andy Cameron recalls that back in the 1970s, in the Albany Hotel, the Glasgow chairman of a well-known insurance company delivered a speech thanking his assembled clients for their support, and started by saying: “We never forget that you are the breastbone of our business.”
Doggone
DISAPPOINTED Gavin Lynn says: “I took my stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow. Didn’t fetch much.”
Tender trap
HAPPY families, ain’t they the best? Russell Smith from Largs recalls a friend who surprisingly announced he had a soft spot for his mother-in-law.
Slightly less surprisingly, he explained that he was talking about the local bog.
Reticent reward
“I RECENTLY won a prize for most secretive person in my office,” says reader Leonard Carpenter, who adds: “I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
Just William
THE Diary is thrilled that Ncuti Gatwa is taking over the lead role in Doctor Who. Though some fans of the show are complaining that Ncuti – a graduate of the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland and former Dundee Rep performer – is a tad young to be playing an ancient Time Lord.
On social media one ardent fan of the sci-fi show has the perfect comeback. Referencing the first chap to play the Doctor, Tom Pullin says: “Ncuti Gatwa is 29 years old, the same age William Hartnell was when he was 29.”
Bird-brained
FOLLOWING a recent Diary yarn about a parrot with an umbrella, reader Katherine Hutchison gets in touch to inform us that we need to publish definitions involving the talkative tropical birds.
She suggests:
1) Polygon – the parrot has left the building.
2) Polythene – I have thpotted the parrot that left the building.
Food for thought
MEDICALLY-MINDED reader Jim Hamilton gets in touch to ask: “What disease did cured ham initially suffer from?”
Sticky situation
ENTREPRENEURIAL reader Tony Winchester is hoping to start a business recycling discarded chewing gum. “Just need help getting it off the ground,” he adds.
Frog chorus
KERMIT the Frog celebrated his 67th birthday this week. Duglas T Stewart, the frontman with the Scottish indie band
BMX Bandits, views the elderly puppet as a role model and one of his favourite singers.
“Terence Trent D’Arby once compared my singing to Kermit,” reveals Duglas. “I took it as a great compliment.”
Healthy appetite
LUNCHING with chums, Jane Burdon found herself in a Glasgow kebab joint, where one of the delights offered on the menu was something called a “doner gym box”.
This intrigued our reader, who had never previously known of the connection between athleticism and hunks of meat dripping fat on a skewer.
Willing to go along with this fanciful notion, Jane believes she has the perfect marketing slogan for this section of the fast food industry. She suggests: Tighten Up Your Abs, With Greasy Kebabs
Wheely good idea
BAFFLED by the wacky ways of the world, reader Jim Hamilton asks: “How is it that we put man on the Moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”
Mystery moniker
“I USED to go out with a girl called Sue Denim,” says reader Martin Randall. “Then I discovered that wasn’t her real name.” Don’t miss Lorne Jackson’s Diary in The Herald every day