Lorne Jackson
Hip replacement
WHILE waiting for a flight departure, a Milngavie reader found himself revelling in the opportunity to scrutinise, i.e. judge, his fellow travellers.
After a while he spied a particularly rotund young lady who wobbled past wearing a T-shirt sporting the phrase “I Love Hip Hop”.
At which point our reader, perhaps a tad harshly, wondered to himself what had become of the missing letters “C” and “S”.
Quality quizzers?
PERTHSHIRE comedian Joe Heenan makes a valid point when he asks: “If dolphins are so smart how come you never see one on The Chase?”
Sleep of reason
PHILOSOPHICALLY-INCLINED reader Jim Hamilton gets in touch to ask: “Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?”
Hair-brained plan
A WHILE ago an acquaintance of Thorfinn Johnston from Stromness decided to set up a new business in Kirkwall. Wanting to reflect Orkney’s Viking heritage, she was keen to name her hairdressing salon after the Norse god of beauty.
She wisely sought another solution when her research uncovered the name of this particular deity … Balder.
Stock tactics
RETAILER Iain McDermid tells us that when he receives goods for his Dumbarton convenience store, he sometimes uses redundant shelving to isolate the area while he stocks other shelves.
“You could say it’s a case of shelf defence,” says Iain.
Money mystery
PERPLEXED reader Beryl Muir gets in touch to ask: “Which idiot came up with the phrase ‘I need to spend a penny’ instead of ‘I need 2p’?”
Puppetish
THE Diary is known for its impressive showbiz connections. There isn’t a superstar on the planet that we can’t contact on the blower (our technique involves phoning directory enquiries, then crossing our fingers and hoping for the best).
One of the celebs we name-dropped recently was Kermit, the singing, dancing and pig-romancing frog.
Inspired by this, reader Roddy Young asks: “What did Kermit say when he got to the top of the hill?”
The answer is, of course … “A Muppet”.
Buzzing bee-haviour
MADCAP malapropisms, continued. A woman who worked with Ian Sommerville from Largs once recalled a melee that broke out at a wedding she attended. Being a risk-averse lady, she had sensibly “made a beehive for the door”.
Slippery statement
MADCAP malapropisms, continued. When James Gracie from Sanquhar was working in local government a councillor once warned a colleague from a rival party by snarling: “You’re skating on a very sticky wicket.”
The milky way
A TRAGIC tale from reader Kenneth Richardson, who says: “My wife ran off with the milkman. Watching them drive away was the longest two hours of my life.”
Rubbish situation
THE cost-of-living crises that is sweeping the nation is no laughing matter, though that hasn’t stopped our readers from gleaning a few mordant chuckles from what is a depressing situation. Reader Kevin Bailey says: “We’re so broke in our house that the dustbin men will have to start delivering.”
Religious experience
AN EDINBURGH reader took his mum out for Sunday lunch where she glanced across at another table before telling him: “Isn’t it lovely to see people praying before their food arrives?”
He didn’t have the heart to tell her that the couple were both looking down at their smart phones while texting.
Pub patter
“MY new girlfriend could stop traffic,” said a chap in a Glasgow boozer to his pals.
“Bit of a looker is she?” piped up one drinking buddy.
“Naw,” the chap replied. “She’s a lollipop lady.”
Computer says No
LAPTOPS are tricky gizmos to operate, which is why the Diary suggests returning to the much more reliable technology of the quill pen.
Meanwhile, reader Carol Murray says: “I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar, and now my battery keeps draining.”
Robustly regal ranting
DAVID Donaldson tells the Diary he is eager that Hollywood makes a flick about a minor celeb, whose career as an afterdinner speaker falls apart after she develops Tourette’s syndrome.
This tragic celluloid melodrama, would, of course, be titled … The Frican Queen.
Feeling Blue
THE Diary has been unfairly criticised in the past for knowing very little about a certain popular sport.
To prove our detractors wrong, we are now going to reveal our detailed knowledge in this area by discussing the mighty Rangers, who suffered a major disappointment earlier in the week.
That’s right, folks. The New York Rangers ice hockey team lost to the Carolina Hurricanes.
The Diary commiserates with our millions of readers in the Big Apple, though at least our ardent fanbase in Carolina will be chuffed.
Green and mean
A BUNCH of chaps flew to Seville for a kickabout on Wednesday, before returning a tad frustrated. This being a west of Scotland team, the Diary is delighted to report that the entire region came together to support the valiant boys in blue, with not a soul connected to the harmonious city of Glasgow taking any cheer from the defeat.
Which is why we’re sure that former football star Chris Sutton (who is rather fond of a green and white stripey shirt he owns) was being sincere when he said: “Great effort from Rangers, and the players have given their all.
“With the amount of penalties they’ve been awarded this season, I fancied them in the shootout, mind.”
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