THE DIARY
Can’t go higher
MANY football fans are delighted to see Kilmarnock staying top of the league after Celtic’s defeat yesterday.
The Ayrshire side is perhaps not from the most glamorous of areas. A reader once told us that when Glasgow University was playing Kilmarnock in a Scottish Cup tie in the late sixties, the yoonie fans were chanting as Kilmarnock hammered them “if you’ve got your Higher English clap your hands”.
Arresting conversation
OUR mention of that redoubtable Barras pub, the Sarry Heid, reminds Ninian Fergus: “Years ago I dropped into the Sarry Heid on my way to see Hibs play Celtic along the way.
“After no time an elderly gentleman sat down opposite me, and asked if I could spare some money so he could buy a drink. I duly obliged, and he told me he was down on his luck, just having returned from a spell in London. I asked him what he had been doing down there. ‘Time,’ he replied.”
Cheesy grin
YES, Christmas is hurtling our way. A reader phoned to moan: “I hate this time of year when the shops muck about with the cheese and you can’t even find a piece of Wensleydale that hasn’t been bastardised with cranberries or apricots or salted caramel. End this madness now.”
And an Ayrshire reader tells us a fellow member in his golf club was declaiming: “This year I’m not even bothering to show my wife the Christmas present I got her. I’m just wrapping the gift receipt.”
Lip service
AND a daft Christmas joke from a film-loving reader who emails: “Getting collagen injections in my lips next week because, you know, ‘tis the season to be Jolie’.”
Unlucky for some
MORE on funerals as the Rev Peter Meaker in Cupar confesses: “I was asked to take the funeral of a lady who had died indulging in her favourite pastime – playing bingo. During the service I said I hoped that when she got to the other side she wouldn’t be too disappointed to discover that in Heaven there’s never a Full House.”
May or may not
“IS it true that sales of the new Herald Diary book will soar as people look for last-minute presents?” asks a reader. Indeed it is.
The bright blue-covered Diary book, entitled No Moos is Good Moos, includes the story of the Glasgow boss interviewing candidates for a job who asked a graduate: “I see from your CV that you’re interested in politics. So who is the Prime Minister?”
After a lengthy pause, he replied: “Oh I said I was interested in politics, but I’m not obsessed by it.”
Off the rails
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from a Stirling reader who tells us: “I recently visited the National Railway Museum at York. Unfortunately it was closed. So I had to go to the Bus Replacement Museum instead.”
Going downhill
OH dear, I thought he might have been on holiday, but I get trapped by a colleague who loudly demands: “With your help I want to recreate one of the famous scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
As I stare at him he adds: “Who wants to get the ball rolling?”