Conservative Associations

Northern Research Group

Prominent members: Jake Berry, David Davis Sit: Back row, the parliamentary equivalent of anywhere after

Blyth services on the A1(M).

Identifying features: Drinking tea, just ordinary tea, thank you, in a mug. Main interests: Persuading the government to take its new voters in the North seriously. Expressing enthusiasm for constituency foodstuffs that the Chief Medical Officer would like to ban. Making Home Counties MPs feel like a bunch of softies. Say: “Cold? This isn’t cold. The

Bigg Market at 2am in the middle of January – that’s cold.”

Don’t say: “Actually, I grew up in Sevenoaks.”

Culture Warriors

Prominent members: Lee

Anderson, Ben Bradley

Sit: Anywhere that will own the libs. Identifying features: Furious.

Main interest: Statues.

Say: Nothing, because you’ve been silenced by the politically correct nanny statists at the BBC.

Don’t say: “Did you catch the Robert Mapplethorpe retrospective on Channel 4 last night? Simply divine.”

Blue Collar Conservatives

Prominent Members: Esther McVey,

Lee Rowley, Scott Mann

Sit: Don’t tell them where to sit, they’ve got as much right to be here as anyone. Identifying features: A CV that emphasises the real job they did before entering Parliament. Failing that, a relative who once visited a pit village. Main interest: Showing you that the

Tories aren’t just a bunch of toffs who don’t know the price of milk. Say: “Milk? Luxury!”

Don’t say: “I’ve known him since we were in Pop together at Eton.”

European Research Group

Prominent members: Bernard Jenkin,

David Jones, Theresa Villiers

Sit: Rent-free in Dominic

Cummings’ imagination

Identifying features: Insisting that English champagne tastes better, wondering why the BMW dealership never called back with a better offer.

Main interests: Making sure there isn’t a border in the Irish Sea. Not letting Johnson move on from Brexit until it’s finished, however boring he finds it. Say: “We always knew there would be teething problems.”

Don’t say: “The best solutions are ones that involve compromise on both sides.”

China Research Group

Prominent Members: Tom Tugendhat,

Neil O’Brien, Iain Duncan Smith

Identifying features: Trying to understand why their phone is behaving so oddly. Main interest: Urging a more cautious engagement with China. Pushing the government to talk about human rights. Say: “Have you got a few minutes to talk about the geopolitical challenges of the 21st Century?”

Don’t say: “Proudly sponsored by Huawei.”

2019 Intake

Prominent members: Dehenna Davison, Katherine Fletcher, Danny Kruger Sit: Everywhere – there are so many of them.

Identifying features: The smooth faces of people who didn’t go through the meaningful votes, and, after spending almost all their time as MPs locked down at home, a slightly lost expression when in Westminster. Main interest: Getting noticed. Say: Whatever is written on the piece of paper your whip just handed you. Don’t say: “No, Prime Minister.”

Covid Recovery Group

Prominent Members: Mark Harper, Steve Baker, Desmond Swayne Sit: Front row, near the door.

Not socially distanced.

Identifying features: Good hair. No facemask. Clutching copy of the Great Barrington Declaration. Main interest: Trying to get Boris Johnson to follow his instincts and copy the mayor from Jaws.

Say: “Risk is just part of life.”

Don’t say: “My Covid Pass, officer? But of course, I have it here.”

One Nation Group

Prominent members: Tobias Ellwood, Damian Green, Caroline Nokes

Sit: Middle row, far end, or back row, Speaker’s end. As far as you can get from Johnson without looking like you’re trying to make a thing out of it.

Identifying features: Weary expression. Half-hidden postcard over desk showing Margaret Thatcher campaigning for European Community membership.

Main interest: Getting Our Party Back/ Getting My Ministerial Limo Back.

Say: “While parents worried about child care, getting the kids to school, balancing work and family life, we were banging on about Europe.”

Don’t say: “No deal is better than a bad deal.”

Theresa May

Prominent members: Theresa May.

Sits: Middle row next to the centre aisle, behind and to the right of Johnson, where he can’t see her but can surely feel her smouldering resentment.

Identifying features: One of very few Tories to follow government guidance on facemasks. Main interest: Vengeance.

Say: “Mr Speaker, I wonder if the

Prime Minister could tell us whether he has read, as I know I did, the detailed briefing on this subject…” Don’t say: “I agree with Boris.”