MRS CRACKENTHORPE

Ah, Birmingham. Mrs C is virtually hyperventilating at the prospect of joining the Conservatives again as they congregate in our (allegedly) Second City. As a history buff and art lover, the opportunity to visit the All Bar One and see the newly unveiled “four lads in jeans” statue in person is absolutely not to be missed.

But first, let us recall a recent scene from our beloved Red Lion, where Mrs C spotted a tired and emotional CCHQer drowning their sorrows on the night of Tornado Truss’s victory. Less champagne corks popping than crying into their beer, the staffer was full of fear about an anticipated blue tidal wave of defections to the Lib Dems in the South West at the next election. Pity the poor dear now, less than four turbulent weeks on – whiskey and revolvers all round at Smith Square?

Perhaps leaving Auntie Beeb isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – at least if one is keen not to lose cachet with fellow journalists. Mrs C hears a public relations firm working for podcast e News Agents, new home of former Beeb stalwarts Emily Maitlis and Jon Sopel, has been doing the rounds with a begging bowl, asking for invites to various Conference parties after sadly being NFI’d. Désolé.

We’ve finally got to the bottom of the mystery everyone was talking about: Steve Baker’s necklace. After months of speculation, the “hard man of Brexit” – now elevated to the ranks of minister – has at last cleared up the matter for us: the choker is a Cornish symbol and the release mechanism from a parachute, a tribute to his ancestry and time in the RAF. So that’s clear then.

Finally, a little teaser for my dear readers to ponder. Of all the Conservative MPs prone to issuing controversial statements, which do you hazard would be most likely to call off an interview at an hour’s notice with the endearingly frank explanation: “I’m afraid I lack the sufficient maturity to ensure it is not a catastrophe”?

As ever, send all your amusing titbits and most scandalous tattle tales to Mrscrackenthorpe@protonmail.com