Ta­ble-plan tac­tics

The prob­lem

The Jewish Chronicle - JC Magazine - - Contents -

You are get­ting mar­ried. The re­cep­tion will be a big sit-down af­fair. How­ever, there is a tricky sit­u­a­tion on the top ta­ble. The grooms’s par­ents are di­vorced and do not speak to each other. Ever. So they can­not be seated to­gether. The bride’s par­ents have paid for the whole do and they want top billing. The groom’s grand­par­ents can­not be put next to their ex-son-in-law and the groom’s two sib­lings are es­tranged and haven’t spo­ken to each other for 10 years. You de­cide not to have a top ta­ble. The bride and groom will sit with their friends and feuding rel­a­tives can be sep­a­rated so that no-one shares a ta­ble with any­one they are broiges with. The brides par­ents an­nounce that if they are not on the top ta­ble they are not go­ing to plough their hard-earned sav­ings into a re­cep­tion at which they are not be­ing made to feel wel­come. And quite frankly they are not that happy about their beau­ti­ful daugh­ter mar­ry­ing into That Fam­ily any­way. The groom’s par­ents are out­raged that the bride’s par­ents, (who quite frankly have plenty of money but not a lot of class) are at­tempt­ing to call the shots. The groom’s par­ents refuse to sit ei­ther with each other or the bride’s par­ents. Mean­while ev­ery­one on the bride’s side re­fuses to sit with cousin Lionel, who has body-odour is­sues, or Aunty Michelle, who mar­ried out, or Un­cle David, who has bor­rowed money from ev­ery­one and still owes the bride’s par­ents thou­sands.. You de­cide to per­se­vere with the idea of a top ta­ble. On the left of the groom will sit his mother and her new part­ner, Melvin, then one sib­ling,then his fa­ther then another sib­ling, then all four grand­par­ents . Next to the bride will sit her par­ents, two sib­lings and one grand­par­ent. The groom’s fa­ther stip­u­lates that if he doesn’t sit next to the groom, he doesn’t see why his stingy cow of an ex-wife should ei­ther. And also how come Melvin, who was struck off as a so­lic­i­tor af­ter mis­ap­pro­pri­at­ing funds from clients, gets to sit nearer his beloved son than he does? One sib­ling re­fuses to sit next to the fa­ther be­cause he left the mother fol­low­ing the af­fair with the sec­re­tary; the other re­fuses to sit next to Melvin be­cause that would be like con­don­ing fi­nan­cial mal­prac­tice. The bride’s par­ents in­sist that they have just as many peo­ple on the top ta­ble as the groom’s par­ents. They sug­gest that Aunty Michelle, Un­cle David and their part­ners should sit on the top ta­ble to even things out a bit. The groom’s par­ents in­sist that if the bride’s par­ents get to have aunts and un­cles on their side of the top ta­ble then they are go­ing to have aunts and un­cles as well — all 12 of them. The bride’s sib­lings and grand­par­ent de­cide that if Aunty Michelle and Un­cle David are on the top ta­ble then they will not be com­ing at all. Un­der

any cir­cum­stances..

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