Trunk calls
AS A stylist and fashion journalist, I frequently get asked for advice over what to wear and surprisingly the majority of questions come from men. The biggie that always comes around this time of the year is what should I wear on the beach? I strongly believe it comes down to three major things: one, lifestyle — where you’re holidaying and with who; two, taste — your usual everyday style; and three, age — your real birth date.
From bum bags to baggy shorts, there’s always a tidal wave of wrong flooding on the beaches when it comes to men and swimwear. You may think men have it easy; they don’t need to worry about matching up bikinis, finding the right kaftans and all the other accessories us women are guilty of shlepping to the beach (or getting our loved ones to shlepp for us).
Men’s swimwear speaks words. They say you can tell a lot by looking at men’s watches and shoes, but actually I think the secret’s in their pants. Say no more.
Take the ball boys for instance, the sportsman and the hot-weather heroes such as Thom Evans, who is regularly seen with his skimpy shorts, or Ronaldo and Balotelli who focus more on accessorising with bling that’s far more appropriate for a black tie event than a lazy day at the beach. Less is definitely more when it comes to men and accessorising, so wear the bare minimum.
Older, but definitely not wiser, are the David Camerons and Leonardo DiCaprios of this world. Think polo shirt, socks and trainers teamed with bright swimming shorts. Although a middle-aged spread is unavoidable unless you regularly hit the gym, shouty prints and clingy cottons will only accentuate a guy gut. Instead it’s best to keep colours tonal and slimming, like navy, deep reds and tan. And never, ever, ever wear socks on the beach.
The young bloods swinging their beer in one hand and their girl on the other can regularly be seen along the shores of Tel Aviv and Marbella beaches. Their awkward age doesn’t help them in the fashion stakes. In fact, it’s time to grow up lads and ditch the calf-length basketball shorts for something midthigh or at least knee-length and tailored. And please remember it’s not ok to wear underpants around a communal pool area, especially the off-white variety.
The Euro Flash; lovers of casinos, cigars and too much cash in their bulging wallets, have more money than fashion sense. You tend to see the older of this kind of folk wearing the most inappropriate swimwear that usually sits high on their waistline a la Simon Cowell — not a good look! This flash pack should instead steer their yachts wearing plain coloured shorts (with side pockets for their expensive belongings) teamed with a plain T or billowy linen shirt instead of slogan T-shirts that are far more apt for a man half their age.
And for the Speedo men among you, let’s face it, the beach is your catwalk. Those gym-honed pecs and that flawless six-pack of yours are having their moment, just don’t shimmy yourself in our sun space or bend over too far. You know who you are.