Married, in your own words?
AC H U P A H I S symbolically the first home a couple share t o g e t h e r a s man and wife. It is not large but it is open on al l s i des, representing hospitality, just as Abraham’s tent was open to his visitors (and they turned out to be angels, so always be ready to welcome guests). It is also open so that, as Rabbi David Lister of Edgware United Synagogue puts it: “The couple can see out, and if there is something not right in the world, they will care about it and seek to put it right.”
Most of us are familiar with the standard Jewish wedding ceremony but what can you do to personalise it? Rabbi Danny Rich, Liberal Judaism’s senior rabbi in the UK, says its rabbis “enable a bride and groom to personalise the liturgy and ceremony to reflect their own hopes and wishes”.
Rabbi Ian Morris of Sinai (Reform) in Leeds says: “I cannot envisage conducting a wedding without an egalitarian ketubah or without a ring. Having said that, I would also expect an exchange of rings, to keep it egalitarian. Traditionally, the wedding ring was a sign of the ‘purchase’ of the bride. An exchange of rings indicates a mutual ‘acquisition’, each of the other. I can see no problem with a couple producing forms of words they each wish to say, one to the other, by way of shared commitment. But the traditional words of kiddushin would still need to be said.”
Even those marrying through the United Synagogue have some freedom to personalise. A spokesman says: “We frequently hear from couples how much they value the dual beauty of the ancient Jewish framework for a chupah, which is steeped in spirituality and religious significance, together with the flexibility to individualise.”
When Diana Bronson married in Edgware United Synagogue, she wanted to speak, instead of just being the recipient of a ring. With the approval of Rabbi Benjamin Rabinowitz, who led the service, she said words composed by the late Reverend Saul Amias. As the ceremony ended, she said: “Under this chupah, you, my dear husband, have made me your wife according to our religious laws and have thus taken upon yourself all the responsibilities outlined in my ketubah. I, in my turn, pledge to you my loyalty and affection and the fulfilment of all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish wife.”
The bride and groom can also show their individuality through the chupah structure itself. Steve Waxman of The Chuppah Company offers customised chupahs, made to a couple’s specifications. “Perspex is really spectacular and looks very dramatic,” he says. “Every time we put one up, we get calls the next day as someone will want to book it. You can have flowers inside the Perspex legs, uplighting…or even suspend crystals in it.”
Making your own canopy is a common custom in South Africa, Steve says: “Every member of the family gets a square on which to put a design, then the squares are sewn together to form a canopy.” Afterwards, it can be used as a wall hanging in the couple’s home.
A good florist will help you choose which flowers work best for your budget and chupah structure. At AG Price, in Hackney, owner Jo Price says: “This year, purple and blue are fashionable. I like to use big-headed flowers, such as hydrangeas and peonies, as they look contemporary.”