Here’s Hilary Our new Agony Aunt
Q I AM worried about my only daughter. She is funny, outgoing and has always had lots of friends. I never doubted that she would get married and have children, but she’s now in her 40s and this hasn’t happened. In fact, she hasn’t had a serious relationship since her 20s. I would really like to talk to her about this but don’t want to come across as a typical Jewish mother. Should I broach the subject or just leave it to her? I know she would be a great mum and I’m worried that time is running out. A IT MIGHT be over 40 years since you had children, but once again you’re hearing the ticking of a biological clock. This time it spells the end not for your fertility but your daughter’s and, along with it, your hopes of a future filled with grandchildren. With more than one in five 40-somethings still childless, there are many women in your situation today. I have every sympathy; grandchildren bring great joy and are an antidote to growing old.
And yet: isn’t this your problem, not your daughter’s? You say you are worried about her but there is no evidence, in your letter at least, that she is unhappy. You never doubted that she’d get married and have kids, but did she? She is, you say, ‘‘funny, outgoing and has lots of friends’’ — hardly a depressive hermit. It may be that she doesn’t want the conventional life you dreamed for her or that she has simply accepted it won’t happen and made a happy life for herself, regardless.
It’s unlikely that she isn’t aware, on some level, of your concerns, even if you aren’t already knitting booties. Broach the subject and you will come across like the interfering mother you don’t want to be. If your suspicions are more than mere transference, and she isn’t happy, you’ll only be rubbing salt into her raw wound, adding extra pressure. And anyway, what would it achieve? You can’t magic her up a suitable baby father and get her pregnant, can you? And I’m damn sure she wouldn’t want you to, even if you could!
It sounds like you need to share your feelings, but do it with a friend or partner, not your daughter, unless she brings it up and asks for your support. You are grieving for something beyond your control but your sadness about this will ease with time. There doesn’t need to be a grandchild-shaped hole in your life. You can fill it — partially at least — by, for example, volunteering with a children’s charity. Q I FEEL too cosy and safe in my relationship. My husband is the loveliest person but life just goes on in the same way, week after week: sorting the kids, watching TV, sharing chores. I miss the old spark and sometimes it feels as if I am with a friend, rather than sharing my life with the man I was once head-over-heels in love with. Is it so wrong to fantasise about sitting up talking until 4am over a bottle of wine? How do you come to terms with the fact that routine and companionship seem to douse the flames forever? A IS THERE any part of life other than marriage in which one would complain about feeling too cosy and safe? Imagine worrying that your home was too comfortable, or that you were too financially secure? But millions of us do it. Familiarity doesn’t always breed contempt; sometimes it just breeds boredom.
These feelings are almost inevitable. That initial, hypnotic intensity that accompanies those months when we first fall in love — the passion and the lust — are not meant to be there as constants. And thank goodness for that, some might add!
Imagine how inconvenient it would be if you had butterflies whenever your husband walked into the room. You’d get nothing done and would probably waste away. While there’s nothing wrong with fantasising about the early days of your relationship, are your rose-tinted spectacles obscuring the memory of the hangover you suffered after the 4am bottle of wine?
You don’t need me to tell you how lucky you are to have companionship, intimacy and real, lasting love with a wonderful man. So what can you do to make life a little more exciting, to lessen your ennui? The answer is not to change the man, but to change up your routine. Could you arrange a holiday or even just a weekend, or a night, away? If that’s not possible, why not do something you probably haven’t done in years: have a picnic in the park, or a day at the seaside — a date.
The idea is to put yourselves in a new environment, to break old habits, and to give yourselves space and time to talk again about the things that matter to you. The good news is that the same studies that showed passion fades after a couple of years also found that it can return once the kids have left home.
Email Hilary with your questions at agony@thejc.com. She cannot enter into personal correspondence