Exams — hell for all the family

AFATHER REVISES the Weimar Republic and Treaty of Versailles with his daughter while a mother tests her son on free trade agreements and the economic policy of Europe while putting the washing on, ordering more stationery from Amazon Prime, roasting a chicken and running her business. Sounds familiar? Then you may be in exam hell too…

It seems that exams are the ultimate time for Jewish parents to display all their angst, worry, panic, pandering and general family dynamics.

“My entire family are involved,” says one mum, who has chosen to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and general teenage rejection. “My dad covers history, my brother helps with science and my mum makes all the Friday-night dinners and schnitzels. It’s a group effort to get to the finishing line and, as a Jewish family, we all love to get involved.”

Indeed, why suffer alone when the entire family can suffer together?

The Jewish response to suffering is widely documented but the Jewish response to exams — with plenty of support and interference in equal measure — is not.

One mother, Sharon, from Finchley, tells me: “I want to wear a badge saying ‘I am in the middle of exams’ so people feel sorry for me and know I am going through GCSEs”. She means her daughter, of course, but adds “I want people to be kind to me at work since, at home, I have to wear a colander on my head for protection when entering my teenager’s bedroom and say yes to everything she requests”.

Another mother in the midst of exam nightmares, Andrea from Woodford, adds that when she asks her son to carry out a household chore, even one as minor as shutting the fridge door after opening it, his response is: “obviously you don’t want me to pass my GCSEs.”

Some parents have chosen to go that extra mile and actually collect their little darlings from the exam itself, driving them home to the sounds of grunts and snorts in response to every