Whyisour community so unwelcoming?
MY HUSBAND AND I recently re-joined our local synagogue. Although we’d been attending weekly until then, the rabbi, assistant rabbi and lay leaders are completely unwelcoming. You barely get a “Hello” or “Shabbat Shalom” from them. If we initiate conversation we get met with a blank sort of look, as in “Why are you talking to me?” The community prides itself on being warm, friendly and welcoming — but not to us. “Proper” new members say, “Isn’t ‘Rabbi X’ so lovely, we’ve been invited to lunch next week,” but it seems we’ve been completely overlooked. Even when we’ve invited people back to us for a meal, we get a thanks so much and you must come to us, but the invitation is never forthcoming. It feels like common courtesy and decency has been thrown out of the window and people don’t care anymore. I get that people have busy lives, but Shabbat lunch happens every week, so it’s not difficult. I’m starting to wonder if we have horns?
HUMAN BEINGS are attracted to the new and the undiscovered — to new toys, gadgets, tastes and fashions. It’s part of what makes capitalism successful. The same goes for people: everyone is keen to check out newbies and impress them. The “problem” with you and your husband is not that you have horns, but that you’re not a novelty. You were already part of the community, albeit less active, and becoming paid-up members doesn’t make you new again, or suddenly more interesting. People aren’t treating you badly; they’re treating you the same way they did before. I’m rather curious as to why you’d expect things to be different now.
It’s hard to change the status quo and turn acquaintances into friends, but if you really want to socialise more within the community then I’m afraid the effort needs to come from your side. Are there synagogue/community events you can get involved with? Could you join a committee or volunteer for something? This will both show your dedication to the community and give you the chance to get to know the most active and prominent individuals better. Keep on inviting people for Shabbat lunch until the ones you really get on with become friends. Eventually they’ll start inviting you back. You could even have a party at your house. If things don’t improve, then why not
have a chat with the rabbi and see if he can help? I GREW up in a religious Orthodox home, but I myself am no longer religious. I met a girl who considers herself to be Jewish (her father is Jewish), but is not Jewish according to halachah as my parents would see it. It’s getting towards the point where it’s time to tell my parents that I met someone, and I know what one of their first questions will be. Do I tell them she’s Jewish, even though I know that they wouldn’t consider her as such? Or do I give them the whole picture, knowing that they will be heartbroken? My girlfriend would be offended at the very notion that she needs to convert to Judaism, as she sees herself as Jewish.
IF YOU’RE serious about this girl and see a future together, you need to have the courage of your convictions. Lying to your parents is the coward’s way, and will only cause more pain when the truth — inevitably — comes out. You already know they won’t approve, so if they’re going to be upset, it’s best to be honest now and then give them some time and space to get used to the idea.
Hopefully, once they’re over their initial sadness, their love for you — as well as logic — will prevail. You’re no longer religious, so being with someone frum isn’t ever going to happen. Wouldn’t they therefore prefer you to be with a girl who, while not fully Jewish on paper, identifies as such, than with someone non-Jewish, or with a Jew who rejects their identity? Most decent parents ultimately want their children to be happy and to live a good life, even if it’s not the life they’d have chosen for them. Show them how great your girlfriend is, how she makes you happy, how being with her won’t take you further away from Judaism.
But reading between the lines, it sounds like you need to talk to your girlfriend and figure out what’s important to you before this relationship goes any further. Does the fact she’s not fully Jewish matter to you more than you’ll admit? Are you planning to have children together and bring them up as Jews? Be honest with yourself: this is your life and your future.
Contact Hilary via email at agony@ thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QF