Are you a SMOG?
That’s Smug Mum of Girls who are perfectly behaved
ACCORDING TO the old rhyme, little girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice”. Boys, on the other hand, are apparently a mix of “snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails” and are much more of a handful. Are girls a lot easier to bring up or are boys unfairly classed as more difficult in their early years? Do women nicknamed “smug mums of girls” — or SMOGS — because of their perfectly behaved offspring, deserve that label?
For Abi, mother of Jacob, Jesse and Sammy, all under the age of five, there is no question that she has it a lot tougher than some of her friends who have girls. “I think girls seem to be more obedient,” she says. “Boys are a lot more physical. It’s hard when you have a baby, because the boys run off more. One minute they could be playing really nicely, and the next, you’ve got to pull them apart. “Girls are much bossier and they tend to tell boys what to do. The girls may be cheeky, but the boys take it a step further. If girls are told to stop, they will listen, and once a girl is told off, she seems to have more understanding. Boys encourage each other to play up… the other day, my two older boys were laughing hysterically when I told them off. “With boys, toys get ruined.” But she does see some advantages. “From what I’ve been told, girls want to play with their parents more. Friends with girls have a lot less time to do things, because they have to sit and play with their child.”
For Eve, mother of three — two girls, Sarelli and Amelie, and a boy, Sam — the topic is not so clear-cut. “I don’t think it is down to gender, I actually think it is down to personality,” she says. “My son is so easy on a play date, there is nothing heated about it. He and his friends, they play, they build, but I think that is down to his personality. With my daughter and her friends, everything is a little bit heated. I think there are lots of factors: whether they are older or younger siblings, their personalities and age gaps.” Sarah has two boys, Abie aged six, and Eli aged four. She believes that bringing up boys is not harder, just different. “I think mums of girls think it is harder for us because we’ve got the kids running around, high energy, roaring and shouting. It is just a different energy. It depends on the kids. There are boys who are more timid or passive, it’s just that mine aren’t! “Lots of little boys like roaring [like dinosaurs] or they just shout a lot. It’s not meant to frighten anyone, they just do it. Some girls will be scared of that, or they won’t like it. I think some mums of girls feel sorry for us. I wouldn’t have it any other way. People say, ‘Oh, do you want to have another one so you can have a girl?’ and no, it doesn’t bother me. I’m just glad to have two healthy children.
“Boys can be a bit like puppies in the way that they’ve got to go out and they need to get fresh air. That was really evident during lockdown. You can’t keep boys cooped up in a house. I’ve got friends of girls who said, ‘We just stayed at home and relaxed.’ There’s less relaxing at home when you’ve got boys.
“We’ve got friends we see and their girls are just as crazy as the boys. It depends a lot on the parents as well. There are certain parents who promote that ‘boys are so wild’. If they are not used to kids who are running around, muddy, roaring, shouting and making a big mess, then that’s going to be highly stressful for them. All kids are different – some are quieter and some are louder.”
Deborah has two little girls, Evie aged four, and Tali who is one. “It’s complicated because there are so many different factors in terms of personality types, and the different parenting styles that play into these things,” she says. “Generally, when we have play dates with other girls, they do tend to play more calmly, can engage with activities for longer and focus on arts and crafts.
“We’ve had play dates with boys where they like to be a bit more physical and do lots of running around. Saying that, my two really enjoy playing outside in the garden and doing lots of physical activities, too, so I don’t think it is so clear cut. More often, I see girls playing calmly together, and more communication games.
“I think it is very age specific too. At four, language is not necessarily boys’ strength at that point, so they do tend to engage in more physical play because it is easier for them. That is a wide generalisation because there are lots of little boys I know whose language and communication are fantastic and they also enjoy doing imaginary play.
“I think a lot of it is also to do with what they see around them, and what they think is expected of them in terms of what they should be playing with. I feel really strongly about that — how girls are encouraged to play with dolls and boys are bought more physical things, like cars and train sets.
“We’ve really tried hard to buy presents for Evie that would be suitable for both genders. When I say suitable, I mean, in our society they might be advertised as a ‘boy’ gift. For example, we bought her a tool kit which she loves to play with. You will look in Tesco’s for boys’ clothes and there are dinosaurs all over them and the girls’ clothes have unicorns all over them. It’s a shame because it is putting them in boxes from such a young age. It really does frustrate me, like the colour pink that is imposed on all the girls, and blue for boys… why?
“Evie came home from nursery and told me that girls aren’t allowed to climb trees, only boys are, because a boy told her that. They are aged four, so where are they getting this from? I said to her that any child can climb a tree, it doesn’t matter if you are a girl or boy. But I think it is a shame because it really does box them and limits their play.”
With Jewish children, the experience of parenting boys and girls is very different right from the start. While parents of boys have the very public occasion that is a brit, it’s often left up to the parents of girls to decide how to mark their birth religiously. And in a highly gendered tradition -— especially among Orthodox circles — gender expectations can be entrenched. But nowadays those assumptions are increasingly challenged.
Dr Lauren Topper, a child and adolescent clinical psychologist says that children discover different aspects of their identity as they grow.
“What you might see at a very young age is children being happy to play with all different types of toys and activities, things that might be traditionally thought of as male or female. As children develop, they get more of a sense of their gender identity, however, gender is not as categorical as we once saw it.
“What we know is that gender can be quite fluid, so it is more on a spectrum. People can have masculine traits or feminine traits. Many activities which traditionally have been associated with males, females can very much enjoy and flourish in, and it has become more and more acceptable for girls to take on ‘boy’ activities and for boys to take on traditionally more female activities. It goes alongside roles in the home as well — the understanding of the housewife or ‘man and wife’ in terms of our appreciation of gender roles. It comes from the adults downwards, so our children are seeing more diverse roles within their households. That goes into children’s experience, then into their play.”
Although some girls will naturally gravitate towards “girly” toys, and vice versa, Dr Topper says that parents should not get anxious about their children exploring different areas of play. “Can parents form their child’s gender identity? I think there’s a big aspect of both nature and nurture working together, so a healthy gender identity and being at ease with oneself would sit hand in hand with parents being flexible and allowing their children to explore and play different types of roles. It is much more diverse and shared out now, and I think that comes along with understanding that people can’t be boxed into a category.”
If you’re a stressed parent of a boisterous boy, and finding SMOGs annoying, be patient. Come the teenage years, and the tables can be turned. Some hitherto lovely girls subject their longsuffering parents to an onslaught of verbal abuse while they get to grips with puberty, while many teenage boys merely retreat to their rooms, surfacing only to grunt for food. Sarah says: “When girls get older, they will have very different challenges to what we will have. They will have grumpy teenagers … and we can be the smug mums of boys.”
I think some mums of girls feel sorry for us, but I wouldn’t have it any other way